Saturday, December 8, 2012

Discernment

This morning I got up early and did my morning meditation, then came to the computer to read another article and answer questions to maintain my board certification.  I am nervous, because the deadline is in 1 week, and I have to read a lot of articles and answer very nit-picky questions about them, to keep being a fellow of the American College of Ob-Gyn.   My mind does not seem as able to retain the details as it used to.   I am feeling old;  and I remember my mother, who probably was beyond 80 when we had this conversation.  I told her that sometimes I think of St. Paul, saying "When you are young you can put on your belt and sandals and go where you want, but when you are old, someone will put on your belt and lead you where you do not wish to go."  My mom was amazed, she had forgotten that saying, and said she didn't know that St. Paul was that smart.  I have been feeling that they have put on my belt and are leading me where I do not wish to go, and my current task is to try to go along as gracefully as possible with this agenda.  I had a joy-filled weekend at the Jesuit Retreat house, with Fr. Tom Weston SJ, on the Thanksgiving weekend.  He is a great teacher, and the more I listen to the Serenity prayer, the more I like it--- I want to have COURAGE to change the things I can, and the Serenity to accept the things I can't change;  and I really want to have the WISDOM to know the difference.  I have always believed that the world is more mysterious and flexible than we think--- and that there is a lot of yeast in the dough.  So almost always, the most important thing is the gift of DISCERNMENT.  I think this is very interesting, and brings back to me the importance of St. Ignatius and the Spiritual Exercises, which have to do with Discernment.  One of the things St. Ignatius said is that we have to put faith into action, and not worry about either consolation or desolation--- they are not to be grasped at, or avoided-- we are just moving through them.  So there is no big confirmation when we are consoled, that it is truly God's will.  In fact, it may just be a false sense of security, that our ego has put there to trip us up.  Lately I have been really conscious of this problem.  Doing the best one can, on a daily basis, is enough work-- and we have to leave the judgement of it up to God.
I need to take Isis for a run down the hill and back, and my joints are feeling arthritic.  Originally I was going to try to walk her on the beach today;  but yesterday,  she got into a big argument with another dog over who is the most in charge, and I tried to pull her away, and she lunged;  and I fell over and bumped my head.  She stood by me then, as I was ignominiously replacing my glasses, and trying to get back onto my feet.  And so I am calculating whether I have the energy to deal with her ego today;  and also, it is cold out, and my joints are stiff.  So I am going to wait til it is warmer to try to walk.  Ever since I came home from the Camino, I have yearned to walk, and it has been wonderful to walk on the beach when I am energetic enough.  I really think that a 3 and a half hour walk is just about right for me.  Sometimes 2 hours is good, but 3 and a half is tiring, but not to the point of exhaustion, and I feel I am maybe able to reclaim some of the fitness and stamina I had when we were in Spain.  I also think that I will have to get a muzzle for Isis, as she is too strong for me to hold back, and I don't want her getting into battles on the beach.  She can run fast, and get in the water, which a lot of the other dogs don't do-- and the water cools her off.
I am going to be thinking about discernment a lot now.  Advent is always a time for me to feel deeply  integrated into the joyful hope of waiting for a baby-- so my whole life and job make sense.   Waiting for God in the way that God usually comes-- in tiny seeds, full of yeast and creative wonder!

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