This is the story of driving to Esalen, to get to the lady doctors' retreat. It is late March, and ever since the massive tsunami in Japan, which started with the earthquake there, we have had soaking drenching rain. The hills are so wet that we are starting to have mudslides which are dangerous, along with some falling trees. Usually the trees fall when the rainy season starts, as the ground loosens. But these are trees that made it through the rain and wind all winter, and now the ground is SO wet, they are falling. SO it is worrisome to be out driving. I also get worried because of the body-memories of the accident in which I hydroplaned, and almost died. It comes back, every time I see a slick road, and the anxiety worsens when rain is sliding down the windshield. So I was determined not to have a difficult drive, and they had said that although there was a landslide on Big Sur south of Carmel, so the northern route was closed, the southern route was still open, and would add another two hours at least, to the drive, but would be safe. There is a narrow place behind the San Antonio mission, near Lake Nacimiento, behind the Fort Hunter-Liggett army base, which goes due west from Hwy 101, over the mountains to Big Sur, and comes out just below the New Camaldoli monastery, which is just south of Esalen. This road was also open, but it is narrow, dangerous, with frequent rock and mudslides, and very windy-curving road; and they said not to attempt it after dark.
I got to Cambria at about 5 pm, with good golden evening light, and no rain all day on Monday. I had to work til 1:30, so left the office much later than I wanted to-- but got immediately on the road. Driving north into Big Sur past Hearst Castle, the ocean looked stormy, full after the rain, and the hills were so wet and velvety green I had to stop frequently to take photos. There were cattle on the hills down close to the sea. The rivulets were full, cascading down the mountain. There were gorgeous hawks floating on the updrafts, and the seagulls flying close to the waves. At Salmon creek, the water was pouring from a cataract on the steep cliff. Then there was a sign saying "road closed"-- and just beyond that, a big land-mover bulldozer. The guy in the bulldozer told me that there was another slide the night before (Sunday) and the road would not be open for at least 5 days. I drove back to the inn at Ragged Point, and called Esalen. They said they would refund the room cost, and were sympathetic. I met another woman physician who couldn't get through, and she had decided to stay the night there, as she had her aged mom with her, and they were tired. It was almost 6 pm when I turned around to go home, figuring I could get home by about 9 or 9:30. Around King City, it was getting dark, and I thought maybe I could stay in the hotel next to the Ft. Hunter-Liggett army base, and so I took the road west, thinking I would get up early and go over the Nacimiento road early in the morning. Well, they have changed the road, and it didn't ever seem I was near any hotel, or the mission either. Suddenly I was on the mountain, in the Los Padres National forest. It was open. So I just kept going, thinking "ok, I guess I WILL get there tonight!" This was not so smart, but I kept saying to myself, "I am a Peace Corps volunteer-- I can DO this!" After a few curves in the road, and passing one white pickup truck, I realized I was likely to be totally alone on that road. I kept the high beams on, but realized they looked like parking lights, in what they could illuminate. The air was balmy, spring-like. The road runs next to a creek. I opened the windows and the skylights-- the roar of the full-spate creek and some frogs were filling the air. The wet mountainside had some trickles, and musty smell, and new shoots of ferns. The big live oaks were gorgeous in the headlights, and some willows, over the tops of the newly plowed areas with piles of dirt along the road. Probably 1/3 of the road had been newly plowed, and you couldn't see over the sides of those piles of dirt. The road was so sinuous and winding, I felt that at any moment I would fall into the creek, or a humk of mountain would fall on me. I felt that it was just like Dante, in the middle of my life, in the middle of the night, losing my way in a dark forest. Overhead, I had opened the skylight, and there were masses of stars in the dark sky-- no lights for at least 50 miles in every direction. A great white horned owl flew over about 10 inches above the skylight-- I thought it might enter the car-- it was so powerful-- a watching wild spirit. I kept creeping along at 10-20 miles an hour, being glad I had just had the car checked, and that I had gotten gas just a little before King City, so almost had a full tank. But it was definitely that feel of being alone on the mountain, possibly never to be found again. The road climbs slowly, then at some point it starts to descend. Utter blackness ahead, unable to see past the piles of dirt on my right or left, as we twisted through the pass. No other cars. Finally, I felt the air change, and we were at the sea. Ahead of me were millions of stars in an uninterrupted sky. I saw a sign saying HWY 1. So I had made it to the Big Sur. I turned right, heading north. NO cars. Empty, silent; and then a one-lane place with monstrous backhoes and bulldozers parked alongside, and the signal lights still working. The sky was immense, full of stars. I passed the monastery, and then was on the two-lane empty road, heading toward Esalen. I got there at 9:45 pm. I was exhausted, and yet exhilirated! I would be able to see those fantastic women doctors; brilliant, powerful, amazing, strong women-- and participate in the retreat! Shangri-la! I had to find my room, and then I went down to soak in the baths. Lowering my tense body into the hot water, I looked up at the sky full of stars, and thanked God for the help getting me there. I had not really intended to take that road, at least at night, but it happened. It was such a metaphorical lesson in just putting "one foot in front of the other"-- and so I continue to continue...
The next morning, I woke up to a sunny bright spring day, at the place which always feels like heaven to me.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
"The Passion of Christ", the movie by Mel Gibson
My reaction to the Passion of Christ movie by Mel’ Gibson, by martina
My first sentence was “it is as it was”, which was originally attributed to the Pope, then denied, but still is a good review. One does not simply see, one experiences it. Also, all the night and waking in the morning, I had the old Negro spiritual singing in my mind, “were you there when they crucified my Lord?” Whenever I would shudder, the line “sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble” sang through me. I also thought of the great saints, how hard they worked to imagine this sequence of events in total detail, to bring themselves into it, to try to understand it. St. Ignatius gives the spiritual exercises, with the whole 3rd week to place oneself in the walk with Christ through the gospel of the condemnation and scourging and carrying the cross and the crucifixion. In order to feel the repentance and sorrow necessary to really hate one’s own sins, to want to throw away from oneself the qualities which create this suffering, is the whole point of the stations of the cross, and the re-reading of this gospel; the need to recognize the gift of redemption, which is beyond our own ability to give ourselves. Each of us needs to be able to feel we have nailed the nails into his hands, put that crown of thorns into his brow. I remember Austria, the total detail of the monstrous crosses with blood flowing down them, All through the ages, we have been trying to imagine, and take ourselves into, and be repentant for this scene. Now we have such a clear picture, without being saints, without being given a “mystical showing” such as that experienced by Julian of Norwich, or St. Francis of Assisi.
It was interesting too, that on the previews for movies in the next few months, there was one for “Troy”. I think of generations of school boys who have struggled to learn Greek, to read Homer and understand what is going to be seen in this movie, with no effort at all, by boys like my sons. The Greek fleet is a flotilla on a windy sea in the preview—I had never imagined so many boats. Similarly, I now can see Pilate, his silver armor, and his assistant in the hard-ridden thick leather chest armor. I can see the whole Sanhedrin, the kinds of robes they wear, the jewels on their robes, the crosiers they carry. And the path itself through that stony town, and the hillside, which is now covered with buildings. The flashbacks are so beautiful, I deeply yearn to stay in them to get away from the pain and violence, but also to experience Jesus as a boy, as a young carpenter, and to taste the bread and the wine, and look into his eyes when he is laughing and gentle, and not being crucified. The whole movie is theologically grounded and true to the Gospel. I did not feel any anti-Semitism. There are bullies in every age, and men who use power wrongly. I saw Jesus as a sort of toxic waste dump, the hole in the fabric of creation which we can use to send our garbage so that it doesn’t stink up the world. He spins the straw into gold, he turns the hatred to love. He is so present, so full of love; Even on the cross, he calls out to God for forgiveness of the tormentors. I don’t even think the brutality or violence in this film are excessive. That is how it was, It was a brutal and excessively cruel death. Since then, every mother losing a son, every son wrongly tortured and dying too young can take comfort in the redemption Christ offers us through this act of love. No one can say that God doesn’t understand their pain. No one can say that God abandons us in the pit of despair. I think of Elie Wiesel, saying (paraphrase) “anything you say about God, you muxt be able to say over the pit of dead bodies at Auschwitz.” Yes, the cross explains and stands for the Holocaust too. And saints like Edith Stein, St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, gave themselves as a holocaust to take on the sufferings of Christ, to make up in their own selves a gift to help redeem the world. One of the things the movie shows is the place in the temple where the curtain is rent. I had imagined this as a narrow and tall place. In the movie, it is more square, and the curtain is not velvety. And the bowls of fire, for light and for the sacrifices, probably, are so dramatic. These are the kind of details the movie makes possible. Also, the blood pouring from Christ’s side when the roman soldier lances it washes him, and he falls to his knees, in adoration, converted from his blood lust. And the wondering face of the solider whose ear is cut off by Peter in the garden of Gethsemane—his face after Christ puts his ear back on and heals him. His inability to “carry on” as if nothing had happened.
I think this movie will be a staple of Christian education, and that there are few details which will be imagined differently in the future. Maybe scholars will come up with a few more things to know, and maybe in 30 years someone will make a movie with even better graphics, but this is as concrete as one can make it, at the present time. It is highly aesthetic, for all the violence. And it just may contribute to Christian unity in new ways, as “the way we see it” coheres us as a community of believers.
When Andy was a small boy, I cried when our church started using the ceremony of the “washing of the feet” with pitchers of water and towels, up on the altar, on Holy Thursday. Andy was one of the first people to run up and be part of it, carefully pouring water over the foot of the person before him, and wiping his foot gently., then waiting for it to be done for himself. I have always loved that ceremony, and think it is one of the most concrete rituals for getting us to treat each other with generosity and respect. But we didn’t start doing it in church till I was over 40. It has been built into my son’s consciousness from such an early age. Now he has this movie, at the age of 15, to help him understand the gift of redemption. It is so needed, that our children have movies, because they are not really used to reading, and their imaginations aren’t inspired by books like my generation was. It remains to be seen whether it will inspire more people to become converted, to accept the need for forgiveness and redemption. I believe it will help to spread the good news of the Gospel. For that, Mel Gibson should be thanked, and I am sure he feels he has done what he was meant to do.
(I wrote this the year the movie came out, and decided to re-post it for Lent)
My first sentence was “it is as it was”, which was originally attributed to the Pope, then denied, but still is a good review. One does not simply see, one experiences it. Also, all the night and waking in the morning, I had the old Negro spiritual singing in my mind, “were you there when they crucified my Lord?” Whenever I would shudder, the line “sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble” sang through me. I also thought of the great saints, how hard they worked to imagine this sequence of events in total detail, to bring themselves into it, to try to understand it. St. Ignatius gives the spiritual exercises, with the whole 3rd week to place oneself in the walk with Christ through the gospel of the condemnation and scourging and carrying the cross and the crucifixion. In order to feel the repentance and sorrow necessary to really hate one’s own sins, to want to throw away from oneself the qualities which create this suffering, is the whole point of the stations of the cross, and the re-reading of this gospel; the need to recognize the gift of redemption, which is beyond our own ability to give ourselves. Each of us needs to be able to feel we have nailed the nails into his hands, put that crown of thorns into his brow. I remember Austria, the total detail of the monstrous crosses with blood flowing down them, All through the ages, we have been trying to imagine, and take ourselves into, and be repentant for this scene. Now we have such a clear picture, without being saints, without being given a “mystical showing” such as that experienced by Julian of Norwich, or St. Francis of Assisi.
It was interesting too, that on the previews for movies in the next few months, there was one for “Troy”. I think of generations of school boys who have struggled to learn Greek, to read Homer and understand what is going to be seen in this movie, with no effort at all, by boys like my sons. The Greek fleet is a flotilla on a windy sea in the preview—I had never imagined so many boats. Similarly, I now can see Pilate, his silver armor, and his assistant in the hard-ridden thick leather chest armor. I can see the whole Sanhedrin, the kinds of robes they wear, the jewels on their robes, the crosiers they carry. And the path itself through that stony town, and the hillside, which is now covered with buildings. The flashbacks are so beautiful, I deeply yearn to stay in them to get away from the pain and violence, but also to experience Jesus as a boy, as a young carpenter, and to taste the bread and the wine, and look into his eyes when he is laughing and gentle, and not being crucified. The whole movie is theologically grounded and true to the Gospel. I did not feel any anti-Semitism. There are bullies in every age, and men who use power wrongly. I saw Jesus as a sort of toxic waste dump, the hole in the fabric of creation which we can use to send our garbage so that it doesn’t stink up the world. He spins the straw into gold, he turns the hatred to love. He is so present, so full of love; Even on the cross, he calls out to God for forgiveness of the tormentors. I don’t even think the brutality or violence in this film are excessive. That is how it was, It was a brutal and excessively cruel death. Since then, every mother losing a son, every son wrongly tortured and dying too young can take comfort in the redemption Christ offers us through this act of love. No one can say that God doesn’t understand their pain. No one can say that God abandons us in the pit of despair. I think of Elie Wiesel, saying (paraphrase) “anything you say about God, you muxt be able to say over the pit of dead bodies at Auschwitz.” Yes, the cross explains and stands for the Holocaust too. And saints like Edith Stein, St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, gave themselves as a holocaust to take on the sufferings of Christ, to make up in their own selves a gift to help redeem the world. One of the things the movie shows is the place in the temple where the curtain is rent. I had imagined this as a narrow and tall place. In the movie, it is more square, and the curtain is not velvety. And the bowls of fire, for light and for the sacrifices, probably, are so dramatic. These are the kind of details the movie makes possible. Also, the blood pouring from Christ’s side when the roman soldier lances it washes him, and he falls to his knees, in adoration, converted from his blood lust. And the wondering face of the solider whose ear is cut off by Peter in the garden of Gethsemane—his face after Christ puts his ear back on and heals him. His inability to “carry on” as if nothing had happened.
I think this movie will be a staple of Christian education, and that there are few details which will be imagined differently in the future. Maybe scholars will come up with a few more things to know, and maybe in 30 years someone will make a movie with even better graphics, but this is as concrete as one can make it, at the present time. It is highly aesthetic, for all the violence. And it just may contribute to Christian unity in new ways, as “the way we see it” coheres us as a community of believers.
When Andy was a small boy, I cried when our church started using the ceremony of the “washing of the feet” with pitchers of water and towels, up on the altar, on Holy Thursday. Andy was one of the first people to run up and be part of it, carefully pouring water over the foot of the person before him, and wiping his foot gently., then waiting for it to be done for himself. I have always loved that ceremony, and think it is one of the most concrete rituals for getting us to treat each other with generosity and respect. But we didn’t start doing it in church till I was over 40. It has been built into my son’s consciousness from such an early age. Now he has this movie, at the age of 15, to help him understand the gift of redemption. It is so needed, that our children have movies, because they are not really used to reading, and their imaginations aren’t inspired by books like my generation was. It remains to be seen whether it will inspire more people to become converted, to accept the need for forgiveness and redemption. I believe it will help to spread the good news of the Gospel. For that, Mel Gibson should be thanked, and I am sure he feels he has done what he was meant to do.
(I wrote this the year the movie came out, and decided to re-post it for Lent)
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Health care: right or privilege?
Our society is pretty thick with buffers in providing food, housing and disaster relief. Most of us think human beings should be treated like we would want to be treated, and that it is inhumane not to do the best we can to help alleviate suffering. There are a lot of ways the delivery of heath care could be seen as a public utility, and legislation could focus on the way we use health care, the regulation of profits, the payment for health care coverage (not really insurance, because it is needed as a maintenance of health also) in either tax incentives or benefits for individuals and families, and so on.
So the whole thing becomes the big ball of wax and tangled gordion knot that we know it to be. Some system-makers, and people who want to have everything be "fair and the same for all" remind me of naive parents who think they will be able to treat their children EXACTLY the same. In reality, the more we stick protocols to each disease, and force the "providers" to follow them, the stiffer and meaner the Bureaucracy with a big B will become. And what will happen is the same thing that occurs in any system --- there will be some outliers, some non-responders, some bewildering failures, and more nit-picking to cover these scenarios.
We weren't able to take the profits out of the insurance industry by capping what their profits should be, like a true public utility. We have also not been able to curb the profits of the pharmaceutical corporations, and the patent laws and US protectionism are being used against us and our patients. Physicians are not a strong-enough lobby to be able to get ourselves paid better, and ultimately, the "extenders" will be how they stretch the dollars.
We are probably on a long trajectory of shifting pollicies, as we go forward. And some people will keep arguing about rights and needs and obligations, in order to try to get more patients better care in a systemically coherent way.
One of my favorite stories is in the book "Mountains beyond Mountains" about Dr. Paul Farmer and his work with Partners in Health. Dr. Jim Kim has that brilliant kind of mind of a systems-oriented thinker. And he looked at the TB-DOTS program, and tinkered with what it would take to really fix it-- and he was able, by a few international miracles, to get some new pharmaceutical companies to come forward and make the drugs cheaper, so more poor patients with multi-drug-resistant TB could be effectively treated.
That is the kind of paradigm shift we need now. We need IUDs to not cost $800 apiece. We need oral contraceptives to be "affordable" to poor women on Medicaid. We need seniors to get preventive care so they won't come in with super-advanced problems which are harder to effectively treat. But we also know that keeping people healthy costs more than letting them suffer and die. And so we face these intrinsic limits all the time about what is actually "reasonable" or "the standard of care"-- or something EVERYONE should have ( which is how I think a lot of unreflective people would define a "right"). There are practical details which can easily be helped, and others which are extremely difficult to change. But change is inexorable, and we really can't stay the same. We already see it in the push for palliative care, and more Hospice care. There is a struggle, and people fall on different parts of the spectrum, but more are starting to be adamant about not wasting precious medical resources at end-of-life. The shift is in the whole society, not just the medical "providers". Business people are weighing in, as well as the ethicists. Things are getting curioser and curioser!
So the whole thing becomes the big ball of wax and tangled gordion knot that we know it to be. Some system-makers, and people who want to have everything be "fair and the same for all" remind me of naive parents who think they will be able to treat their children EXACTLY the same. In reality, the more we stick protocols to each disease, and force the "providers" to follow them, the stiffer and meaner the Bureaucracy with a big B will become. And what will happen is the same thing that occurs in any system --- there will be some outliers, some non-responders, some bewildering failures, and more nit-picking to cover these scenarios.
We weren't able to take the profits out of the insurance industry by capping what their profits should be, like a true public utility. We have also not been able to curb the profits of the pharmaceutical corporations, and the patent laws and US protectionism are being used against us and our patients. Physicians are not a strong-enough lobby to be able to get ourselves paid better, and ultimately, the "extenders" will be how they stretch the dollars.
We are probably on a long trajectory of shifting pollicies, as we go forward. And some people will keep arguing about rights and needs and obligations, in order to try to get more patients better care in a systemically coherent way.
One of my favorite stories is in the book "Mountains beyond Mountains" about Dr. Paul Farmer and his work with Partners in Health. Dr. Jim Kim has that brilliant kind of mind of a systems-oriented thinker. And he looked at the TB-DOTS program, and tinkered with what it would take to really fix it-- and he was able, by a few international miracles, to get some new pharmaceutical companies to come forward and make the drugs cheaper, so more poor patients with multi-drug-resistant TB could be effectively treated.
That is the kind of paradigm shift we need now. We need IUDs to not cost $800 apiece. We need oral contraceptives to be "affordable" to poor women on Medicaid. We need seniors to get preventive care so they won't come in with super-advanced problems which are harder to effectively treat. But we also know that keeping people healthy costs more than letting them suffer and die. And so we face these intrinsic limits all the time about what is actually "reasonable" or "the standard of care"-- or something EVERYONE should have ( which is how I think a lot of unreflective people would define a "right"). There are practical details which can easily be helped, and others which are extremely difficult to change. But change is inexorable, and we really can't stay the same. We already see it in the push for palliative care, and more Hospice care. There is a struggle, and people fall on different parts of the spectrum, but more are starting to be adamant about not wasting precious medical resources at end-of-life. The shift is in the whole society, not just the medical "providers". Business people are weighing in, as well as the ethicists. Things are getting curioser and curioser!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
more on mental illness and societal support
There have been gains in mental health care in the past 50 years. Some medications have made it possible for previously hospitalized patients to live in the regular world and even hold jobs. But some care is often still needed, and these ...patients often have poor insight and poor skills for managing their own illness, and their own lives. Often, they would do best in an assisted-living facility, with someone acting like a house-mother, watching to be sure they eat, drink enough fluids so they don't get dehydrated, take their medicines, and see their doctors regularly. When they start to get sicker, and withdraw, this house-mother is invaluable in alerting the medical team, to be able to step up the care.
People who really want to understand more are urged to go to the NAMI website for advocacy for the mentally ill. Also, I recommend the book, "Surviving Schizophrenia" for families and advocates of patients, by Dr. Torrey. We simply MUST try to make it safer for mentally ill patients to live in our world. It is dangerous and complicated, and they need and deserve our help.
People who really want to understand more are urged to go to the NAMI website for advocacy for the mentally ill. Also, I recommend the book, "Surviving Schizophrenia" for families and advocates of patients, by Dr. Torrey. We simply MUST try to make it safer for mentally ill patients to live in our world. It is dangerous and complicated, and they need and deserve our help.
Mental illness, Parents, and Support of Society
I think that many parents struggle to help with their children with mental illnesses as long as the parents are alive. But the fact is, it becomes harder to control their behavior-- harder to get them to take their medicine, harder to make... them get up in the morning, or do the dishes, or go to the doctor. Some parents have been terribly hurt by out-of-control rage attacks by mentally ill almost-grown or adult children. Schizophrenics sometimes hear voices which are terrible and compelling, screaming at them to kill or hurt people they would normally love. We cannot pretend this is easy. I am a gynecologist. I have had mothers with mentally ill daughters come to me in tears, as they strive to help meet the family planning needs of their daughters. These moms know that if she gets pregnant, the primary caregivers for their grandchildren will be themselves-- older and more tired than they already are. Mental health services are also very hard to come by, and no insurance company wants to give this care to grown children, without prohibitive policy fees. Many mental illnesses are waxing and waning in nature, and sometimes the patient needs hospitalization, which is extremely expensive. In Arizona, there is almost no medical care for the uninsured, poor, unemployed mentally ill. In some schools, the school is required to help until the student turns 18-- then they are on their own. Why are these patients living under bridges, and alongside highways, where rape and murder happens so easily? Because we don't want to abridge their freedom! In California, Ronald Reagan emptied the mental hospitals, so that these poor patients could enjoy this freedom-- but no follow-up clinics got set up to help them when they failed to be able to care for themselves! This is blind and stupid, to not look at their need for safety, their fragility and their vulnerability to the terrible curse of mental illness. Their poor parents-- being told to "keep on, keeping on," because society does not want to help shoulder the burden for their care!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Turning 60
Well, this has been an interesting year. I am slowing down, as much as I am trying to increase my stamina by walking the dog on the beach and swimming. It was great to have time with my Vienna friends this fall in Lake Tahoe. We had a great time together, as we have always enjoyed ourselves: each time it seems more precious and wonderful. This time there was the sadness of having Jimmy Stewart die suddenly this spring, and we were able to have a celebration of his life. We all know that our futures are narrowing down.
I am glad that I have just gotten the fourth book of my poems-- "Fiesta for the Camarillos". It has been a long-time waiting for it-- the photos added extra time to the printing, and I have been really worried that my mom may not be able to see it or enjoy it, if it didn't get here soon! So I am so glad they arrived this week. It is dedicated to my mom and my aunt Geraldine, and I can't wait to give it to them.
Mom got very sick this past two weeks, and has been in a convalescent home to recover from a severe infection. I can't go down til next weekend, as I have a conference tomorrow morning and also my FMM group. These docs have been the mainstay of my health and well-being in trying to practice medicine. Such tremendous pressures from all sides have been happening within medicine, and it is getting harder to maintain the sanctity and privacy and nurturance of the doctor-patient relationship, with all the corporate/insurance and electronic-record-keeping oversight. It is so annoying that I want to quit, until I am actually needed to do something REAL for a patient. But I can see that it is coming, that I will be willing to walk away soon, and it will be ok to leave it in the hands of the young and eager doctors coming through the pipeline. I DO feel lucky to have two great young partners-- both Larisa Taylor and now Laetitia Oderman are great and dedicated young doctors. It was such a terrible blow to me to have a partner about 10 years ago who was NOT willing to put the extra work and care into the job, and seemed to keep trying to skim the cream and leave the really hard stuff to the older docs. I am grateful to have weathered the difficulties that personality-type caused our practice, and to have found other dedicated young doctors coming forward to take care of patients.
It has been a real blessing to me to have these 3 years in Al Anon. I have learned a huge amount-- very helpful insight into the "professional co-dependent" world I occupy-- and more tools for self-care, and better insight into when I need to take care of myself, too. This has also been a boon to being able to give practical help and insight to patients, as so many women suffer with these same issues.
It does seem as though we just celebrated Christmas, and we are turning around and it is Christmas again! The rains have started, the persimmons are turning golden-orange, the deciduous trees are flaming, and Isis is now 3 and 1/2, and becoming more of an adult dog than a puppy. She is really great for walks on the beach, and today a guy whose dog's name is "Blue" although I don't know his name, told me what a great dog Isis is-- enthusiastic, independent, friendly and well-behaved! So I am doing ok as a dog-owner, I guess. The waves were huge this morning, and the mist was rising off the tops of the back-curls, and it made me think of Malibu when I was young, near the Bauers' house. I always love it when the ocean is that translucent jade color, too.
I did my laps at the pool, and was happy to get into the steam bath today, also. It has been interesting to use the pool as the main tool for self-care, and trying to do the "HALT" behaviors-- "hungry, angry, lonely and tired"-- 12 step programs suggest finding tools for dealing with these hard times so that the self-care keeps us from falling back into self-defeating behaviors.
I am very excited about getting to go back east to sing with Bill Mulroney and his band, the Second Wind Bandits-- they are doing a gig at Blues Alley in Georgetown on Nov 29, and I get to sing "Velveteen Rabbit" with them! Today I spent the whole afternoon after I got back from the pool trying to fix the website for the Vienna friends, and get the song onto the site. I need to get a tutoring update from Apple-- but I got some of it online! Onward and upward. And back to writing the poems for book 5! I can't believe that I had said to myself that I would like to have 4 books of poems by the time I die, and I have made it! It really is a miracle!!
I am glad that I have just gotten the fourth book of my poems-- "Fiesta for the Camarillos". It has been a long-time waiting for it-- the photos added extra time to the printing, and I have been really worried that my mom may not be able to see it or enjoy it, if it didn't get here soon! So I am so glad they arrived this week. It is dedicated to my mom and my aunt Geraldine, and I can't wait to give it to them.
Mom got very sick this past two weeks, and has been in a convalescent home to recover from a severe infection. I can't go down til next weekend, as I have a conference tomorrow morning and also my FMM group. These docs have been the mainstay of my health and well-being in trying to practice medicine. Such tremendous pressures from all sides have been happening within medicine, and it is getting harder to maintain the sanctity and privacy and nurturance of the doctor-patient relationship, with all the corporate/insurance and electronic-record-keeping oversight. It is so annoying that I want to quit, until I am actually needed to do something REAL for a patient. But I can see that it is coming, that I will be willing to walk away soon, and it will be ok to leave it in the hands of the young and eager doctors coming through the pipeline. I DO feel lucky to have two great young partners-- both Larisa Taylor and now Laetitia Oderman are great and dedicated young doctors. It was such a terrible blow to me to have a partner about 10 years ago who was NOT willing to put the extra work and care into the job, and seemed to keep trying to skim the cream and leave the really hard stuff to the older docs. I am grateful to have weathered the difficulties that personality-type caused our practice, and to have found other dedicated young doctors coming forward to take care of patients.
It has been a real blessing to me to have these 3 years in Al Anon. I have learned a huge amount-- very helpful insight into the "professional co-dependent" world I occupy-- and more tools for self-care, and better insight into when I need to take care of myself, too. This has also been a boon to being able to give practical help and insight to patients, as so many women suffer with these same issues.
It does seem as though we just celebrated Christmas, and we are turning around and it is Christmas again! The rains have started, the persimmons are turning golden-orange, the deciduous trees are flaming, and Isis is now 3 and 1/2, and becoming more of an adult dog than a puppy. She is really great for walks on the beach, and today a guy whose dog's name is "Blue" although I don't know his name, told me what a great dog Isis is-- enthusiastic, independent, friendly and well-behaved! So I am doing ok as a dog-owner, I guess. The waves were huge this morning, and the mist was rising off the tops of the back-curls, and it made me think of Malibu when I was young, near the Bauers' house. I always love it when the ocean is that translucent jade color, too.
I did my laps at the pool, and was happy to get into the steam bath today, also. It has been interesting to use the pool as the main tool for self-care, and trying to do the "HALT" behaviors-- "hungry, angry, lonely and tired"-- 12 step programs suggest finding tools for dealing with these hard times so that the self-care keeps us from falling back into self-defeating behaviors.
I am very excited about getting to go back east to sing with Bill Mulroney and his band, the Second Wind Bandits-- they are doing a gig at Blues Alley in Georgetown on Nov 29, and I get to sing "Velveteen Rabbit" with them! Today I spent the whole afternoon after I got back from the pool trying to fix the website for the Vienna friends, and get the song onto the site. I need to get a tutoring update from Apple-- but I got some of it online! Onward and upward. And back to writing the poems for book 5! I can't believe that I had said to myself that I would like to have 4 books of poems by the time I die, and I have made it! It really is a miracle!!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
The Sound of Music
The Sound of Music
Dear friends,
As many of you know, that movie has been a pillar of my life. We went to Austria the first time, with my whole family, in 1965, just after the movie came out, and I got a dirndl from the window in Habig's in Kartnerstrasse, which FIT me-- a miracle for a chubby kid--- and I said to myself, this is a country where I could fit! So when I got to the question of going away for junior year abroad, I was definitely going to Austria. I took German to be prepared, and I learned with Judy Cloherty, Terry Pfeiffer, Jeff Clark and Gene Gilully and others to make kugelhupfs (Bundt cakes with powdered sugar) for the school fair. Gene's mom, who was Austrian, gave us a lot of tips, to help us prepare. I figured we would fly in over the alps, just like in the entrance to the movie!
I wore my dirndl often, as I grew up and got into college, and I learned every note of the Sound of Music score. My parents went to Europe and Africa a few years later, and I wrote new words for the Climb Every Mountain song, to wish them well on their trip-- my sisters wore their dirndls, I strummed the zither, and we sang it at the goodbye party for them-- "climb every pyramid, see Holland too; go to darkest Africa, in our dreams we'll come with you!" My parents always requested that song from us at every party our family had for the rest of the decades of their lives!
My children have been raised on the songs, and have grudgingly admitted that they find it a comfort now, when they watch this well-loved movie with me.
As I am an obstetrician, and wait for babies to slide down from the fields of glory, I often sing "Raindrops on Roses" for women in labor, who sometimes ask me to sing for them. "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when you're feeling bad, (aimed at laboring women), I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad!" We sing it in the CSection room sometimes, when all is going well, it helps calm people down-- one of the anesthesiologists plays it for me on his music player-- and we all have a rollicky time!
Twice, I have won the Sound of Music sing-along competition at San Francisco, for acting the part of the 3rd runner up at the Salzburg festival--- I wear my echt dirndl, and lace-up brown boots that look like the 30's, and wear my hair wound in pugs around my ears, and bow and grin and bow and grin like Fraulein Schneider from St. Agatha's in Muhrbach-- everyone stomps and screams "third runner up!" and I win, against the girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, and the nuns, and the green felt "Climb every mountain", and even the 'brown paper packages tied up with strings!" Kathy and Lindsey were with me the first time I won-- and Kathy took a picture of me on the stage-- I didn't believe I would win, but she thought much better of my chances! Bonnie and Margaret came with me the second time, and we wore our dirndls, and Bonnie wore her loden coat. I tried to get Andy to wear Greg's lederhosen, and play the part of Rolf, but he preferred to act like The Captain, and wear his dad's loden hat-- but he didn't get a prize, here in Santa Cruz, where the winner was the goat and goatherder act! The woman had puppet strings tied to a guy who looked very goat-like-- with Rasta hair!
I have even reflected that my husband is somewhat like the Captain, emotionally distant, but basically a good person who might be teased or coaxed into singing Edelweiss, (which has NOT happened yet), and that I am a lot like Maria. "I have confidence in sunshine, I have confidence in rain; I have confidence that spring will come again-- besides which, you see, I have confidence in ME!" I used to swing my guitar around like that-- and my husband has often complained that I burst into song at the least or NO provocation!
I have often thought of Tunie dancing in her kitchen to the Landler, while cooking dinner; watching it on a small tv.
Many, many times, I have thought about the problem of leaving a country where the government has become destructive and impossible to live with, and the time the Captain rebukes Uncle Max for his indifference to what is happening politically to the country he loves and honors.
When I was in residency in New York we went up to Stowe, to look at the lodge where the Von Trapps now live. I thought about the difference between the real story, and the story in the movie, and how Vermont is so like the Tirol.
My friend Gundi lives in Salzburg, very near the Mozarteum, where they sing "Doe, a deer", on the steps. We have maintained our friendship since 1965, and still write to each other. When I went to Salzburg with my family in summer 2001, Gundi was standing on the church steps waiting for us, as we drove into town, so she could show us where to park. We stayed at the Dreifaltigskeit monastery, which was letting out rooms-- it was a former bishop's palace, and it was amazing to stay in this large vaulted room there on the ground floor. I stood outside the Franciskanerkirche, while the Mozart festival singers were singing the Requiem inside-- and I held onto the pillar as they sang the "Dies Irae" which is one of the most powerful pieces of music I know! Gundi slipped me and Andy into behind the scenes at the Festspielhaus, where the Von Trapps sing the goodbye song just before they make their escape. We watched Bryn Terfel sing Falstaff, while I pinched myself, and couldn't believe we were actually standing ON THE STAGE, at the Salzburg festival, in real life. It was fantastic, amazing, miraculous-- one of the greatest highlights of my life.
My affection for that movie has continued unabated, all these years. One of the moments which remains electric to me is when Rolf discovers them in the cemetery, and the Captain tries to get him to come with them. Psychologically, it is an immensely important moment, when I want to say to the Captain, "NO-- don't say that to him! " Instead of saying "You'll never be one of them!" in a cruel way, he should have continued to encourage him by saying "You can come with us, and be more free!" It is the only moment in the movie I have always wanted to change.
As you know, I learned to sing a lot of folk songs from Frau Brossman, in Vienna, and I can still sing many of the Christmas carols, along with the Vienna choir boys' cd! I would love to go to the Christkindl markets again, and get little straw stars, and little carved wood figures for the Christmas tree. I gilded some walnuts for our Christmas tree, after seeing them in Austria.
I always wish I could have the puppet theatre they use for the Goatherd song. And I always wish my voice were as good as Maria's (or actually Julie Andrews) as she yodels through that song, like quicksilver sliding on the high notes effortlessly!'
Singing Jet Plane, we made it through that extraordinary year. One of the greatest miraculous moments in my life was singing at the reunion in Charleston, with my voice gone hoarse, and then completely gone with laryngitis-- and you all singing the words for me-- so that the song was coming from you, and from my heart, and I was playing the guitar, and your voices were my voice. I feel so very very blessed to have had you all in my life, and to have had that year in Vienna; and the way that the Sound of Music has been sort of a lace-work to hold my life together!
Love, martina
Dear friends,
As many of you know, that movie has been a pillar of my life. We went to Austria the first time, with my whole family, in 1965, just after the movie came out, and I got a dirndl from the window in Habig's in Kartnerstrasse, which FIT me-- a miracle for a chubby kid--- and I said to myself, this is a country where I could fit! So when I got to the question of going away for junior year abroad, I was definitely going to Austria. I took German to be prepared, and I learned with Judy Cloherty, Terry Pfeiffer, Jeff Clark and Gene Gilully and others to make kugelhupfs (Bundt cakes with powdered sugar) for the school fair. Gene's mom, who was Austrian, gave us a lot of tips, to help us prepare. I figured we would fly in over the alps, just like in the entrance to the movie!
I wore my dirndl often, as I grew up and got into college, and I learned every note of the Sound of Music score. My parents went to Europe and Africa a few years later, and I wrote new words for the Climb Every Mountain song, to wish them well on their trip-- my sisters wore their dirndls, I strummed the zither, and we sang it at the goodbye party for them-- "climb every pyramid, see Holland too; go to darkest Africa, in our dreams we'll come with you!" My parents always requested that song from us at every party our family had for the rest of the decades of their lives!
My children have been raised on the songs, and have grudgingly admitted that they find it a comfort now, when they watch this well-loved movie with me.
As I am an obstetrician, and wait for babies to slide down from the fields of glory, I often sing "Raindrops on Roses" for women in labor, who sometimes ask me to sing for them. "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when you're feeling bad, (aimed at laboring women), I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad!" We sing it in the CSection room sometimes, when all is going well, it helps calm people down-- one of the anesthesiologists plays it for me on his music player-- and we all have a rollicky time!
Twice, I have won the Sound of Music sing-along competition at San Francisco, for acting the part of the 3rd runner up at the Salzburg festival--- I wear my echt dirndl, and lace-up brown boots that look like the 30's, and wear my hair wound in pugs around my ears, and bow and grin and bow and grin like Fraulein Schneider from St. Agatha's in Muhrbach-- everyone stomps and screams "third runner up!" and I win, against the girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, and the nuns, and the green felt "Climb every mountain", and even the 'brown paper packages tied up with strings!" Kathy and Lindsey were with me the first time I won-- and Kathy took a picture of me on the stage-- I didn't believe I would win, but she thought much better of my chances! Bonnie and Margaret came with me the second time, and we wore our dirndls, and Bonnie wore her loden coat. I tried to get Andy to wear Greg's lederhosen, and play the part of Rolf, but he preferred to act like The Captain, and wear his dad's loden hat-- but he didn't get a prize, here in Santa Cruz, where the winner was the goat and goatherder act! The woman had puppet strings tied to a guy who looked very goat-like-- with Rasta hair!
I have even reflected that my husband is somewhat like the Captain, emotionally distant, but basically a good person who might be teased or coaxed into singing Edelweiss, (which has NOT happened yet), and that I am a lot like Maria. "I have confidence in sunshine, I have confidence in rain; I have confidence that spring will come again-- besides which, you see, I have confidence in ME!" I used to swing my guitar around like that-- and my husband has often complained that I burst into song at the least or NO provocation!
I have often thought of Tunie dancing in her kitchen to the Landler, while cooking dinner; watching it on a small tv.
Many, many times, I have thought about the problem of leaving a country where the government has become destructive and impossible to live with, and the time the Captain rebukes Uncle Max for his indifference to what is happening politically to the country he loves and honors.
When I was in residency in New York we went up to Stowe, to look at the lodge where the Von Trapps now live. I thought about the difference between the real story, and the story in the movie, and how Vermont is so like the Tirol.
My friend Gundi lives in Salzburg, very near the Mozarteum, where they sing "Doe, a deer", on the steps. We have maintained our friendship since 1965, and still write to each other. When I went to Salzburg with my family in summer 2001, Gundi was standing on the church steps waiting for us, as we drove into town, so she could show us where to park. We stayed at the Dreifaltigskeit monastery, which was letting out rooms-- it was a former bishop's palace, and it was amazing to stay in this large vaulted room there on the ground floor. I stood outside the Franciskanerkirche, while the Mozart festival singers were singing the Requiem inside-- and I held onto the pillar as they sang the "Dies Irae" which is one of the most powerful pieces of music I know! Gundi slipped me and Andy into behind the scenes at the Festspielhaus, where the Von Trapps sing the goodbye song just before they make their escape. We watched Bryn Terfel sing Falstaff, while I pinched myself, and couldn't believe we were actually standing ON THE STAGE, at the Salzburg festival, in real life. It was fantastic, amazing, miraculous-- one of the greatest highlights of my life.
My affection for that movie has continued unabated, all these years. One of the moments which remains electric to me is when Rolf discovers them in the cemetery, and the Captain tries to get him to come with them. Psychologically, it is an immensely important moment, when I want to say to the Captain, "NO-- don't say that to him! " Instead of saying "You'll never be one of them!" in a cruel way, he should have continued to encourage him by saying "You can come with us, and be more free!" It is the only moment in the movie I have always wanted to change.
As you know, I learned to sing a lot of folk songs from Frau Brossman, in Vienna, and I can still sing many of the Christmas carols, along with the Vienna choir boys' cd! I would love to go to the Christkindl markets again, and get little straw stars, and little carved wood figures for the Christmas tree. I gilded some walnuts for our Christmas tree, after seeing them in Austria.
I always wish I could have the puppet theatre they use for the Goatherd song. And I always wish my voice were as good as Maria's (or actually Julie Andrews) as she yodels through that song, like quicksilver sliding on the high notes effortlessly!'
Singing Jet Plane, we made it through that extraordinary year. One of the greatest miraculous moments in my life was singing at the reunion in Charleston, with my voice gone hoarse, and then completely gone with laryngitis-- and you all singing the words for me-- so that the song was coming from you, and from my heart, and I was playing the guitar, and your voices were my voice. I feel so very very blessed to have had you all in my life, and to have had that year in Vienna; and the way that the Sound of Music has been sort of a lace-work to hold my life together!
Love, martina
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