History and Memory

(What historical event is alive in our memory, shaping who we are and what we do?)

THE MURDER OF OUR PRESIDENT

The murder of our president,

John FitzGerald Kennedy, in the open car in Dallas; 

The shot when I was 13, praying— 

Somehow praying that the world would actually repair itself

Around that hole in our society, in the fabric of government 

Which we thought was going to be about the people;  of the people 

by the people, 

Not by murderers and thugs, 

Not by someone who actually IS one of the people;

Like what happened in Auschwitz, when Elie Wiesel spoke of them hanging the golden boy,

(How could they hang an innocent child? )  And not just that one child:
How could we hold in our minds the gas chambers, and all those women and children,

Rabbis and mothers and fathers; singing hymns on the cattle cars

Moving them to an actual hell-on-earth. 

How do we bear it, and what can we do to heal it?

We who live now, aware as past generations may not have been,

So vividly taught in real-time photography of the beheadings in Syria, 

Unreasonable, merciless, 

How can they think God will ever forgive them?

Women being stoned to death,  

Women raped and gang-raped, 

Sheep and goats raped, and men being crucified,

And blood pouring into the rivers;  human blood, not even meant as sacrifice,

But just slaughter.

Power;  the arms, the bombs, the weapons, to kill

the ‘might makes right’ belief of the tribes.  

The president was killed, is dead; 

We still speculate about how and why,

And it is not Camelot.  

No one has ever really felt safe since then, 

Certainly not anyone that passionate about justice. 

Another Experience of Labor and Delivery

Another experience of labor and delivery

A couple of years ago, a wonderful woman physician in my town passed away.  I had always felt drawn to her daughter, who is a very sweet and wonderful, intelligent scientist, who studies and helps with data to protect our redwood trees, as well as other projects having to do with ecosystems and forests.  I myself have no daughters, and so when about a week ago, this dear woman called to ask if I would be willing to help her go through labor, I was thrilled.
I did not know how it would feel, to go back into the labor room, without being the doctor in the room.  But being a stand-in for her mom was a role I felt I could take on with joy and good will.
We kept in touch by phone as she went through the phase of cervical ripening, and luckily, I was able to be with her as the real work of labor began, and the contractions began to be more intense.  Watching her do the strong and fine work of being a laboring woman was a real joy for me, partly because I was not in charge.  My duty was simply to help her through it, and to be a place-keeper for her mom.  She had had two babies, and she knew how to do labor.
We had an amazing time of it.  Her husband was a great support and coach, and she stood up for most of the active phase of labor.  He did some great sacro-iliac massage.   I have found that this standing and rocking often helps get the baby to come down more effectively than when one is lying down, with some assistance from gravity.  It usually makes the contractions stronger;  which is hard to bear, but she was brave in wanting to make her labor as efficient and successful as possible.  And there is just this marvelous amazing strength of a woman's body with good muscle tone, in good health, doing the work of labor.
When we were getting closer to transition labor, I asked her to get onto her left side, in a tucked crunch position, which I have found helps to get the baby to "turn the corner" in the deep pelvis, although it causes some intense pain inside the left hip.  We only needed 3 contractions, and then she was able to get up and stand again, swaying and rocking, and she could feel how much descent there had been in that interval.  It was a little wierd for me, to not be checking, but surmising from what I knew of labor, and then needing the nurse to once-in-awhile verify the descent of the baby's head.  And her doctor is a good doctor, who was willing to be available as the labor came into the home stretch, waiting for that "urge to push".    The actual pushing time was probably less than 15 minutes, due to her being able to stand until the very end, and she was great at that muscular effort of pushing.  There is nothing in the world more beautiful than a woman doing the work of labor, with such concentrated muscular effort, and the rhythmic flow of it.  She and her husband had picked some wonderful music, much of it from my era, and it blended with the work.  Her mom played the ukelele, and some of these songs were songs she used to play.
The baby came into the world in a swirl of pink skin, and a good clear cry,  The fetal heartbeat had been good throughout labor, and there was a great thick umbilical cord and clear fluid, and a healthy lush placenta.  Her uterus contracted superbly.  There were no lacerations or tears.  It was just symphonically beautiful!    Her first baby had come in a long hard labor, and the second baby had needed time in the NICU for possible infection.  But this baby was just a perfectly lovely labor and delivery!
For me, this was a revisiting of something I have known and loved, for a long long  time.  I think I have delivered at least 10,000 babies in my lifetime;  and still, each one is a beautiful work of art.  I love the way labor is a symphony, each one slightly different, each family a little bit of heaven, as God sends a new baby into the world.   I did not feel sad or depressed to not be the doctor.  It was so wonderful feeling like a grandmother there!  And I did feel like I had her mom with me, being glad I was standing in, for this dear young woman.
Sometimes we have to believe that if we ourselves cannot be there for our children, someone else will carry the load for us.  The human family is an amazing and resilient and blessed gift.  I am really really glad I got to have this exquisite labor and delivery event, to remind me of all the joy I have had in my work.

Another Experience of Labor and Delivery

Another experience of labor and delivery

A couple of years ago, a wonderful woman physician in my town passed away.  I had always felt drawn to her daughter, who is a very sweet and wonderful, intelligent scientist, who studies and helps with data to protect our redwood trees, as well as other projects having to do with ecosystems and forests.  I myself have no daughters, and so when about a week ago, this dear woman called to ask if I would be willing to help her go through labor, I was thrilled.
I did not know how it would feel, to go back into the labor room, without being the doctor in the room.  But being a stand-in for her mom was a role I felt I could take on with joy and good will.
We kept in touch by phone as she went through the phase of cervical ripening, and luckily, I was able to be with her as the real work of labor began, and the contractions began to be more intense.  Watching her do the strong and fine work of being a laboring woman was a real joy for me, partly because I was not in charge.  My duty was simply to help her through it, and to be a place-keeper for her mom.  She had had two babies, and she knew how to do labor.
We had an amazing time of it.  Her husband was a great support and coach, and she stood up for most of the active phase of labor.  He did some great sacro-iliac massage.   I have found that this standing and rocking often helps get the baby to come down more effectively than when one is lying down, with some assistance from gravity.  It usually makes the contractions stronger;  which is hard to bear, but she was brave in wanting to make her labor as efficient and successful as possible.  And there is just this marvelous amazing strength of a woman's body with good muscle tone, in good health, doing the work of labor.
When we were getting closer to transition labor, I asked her to get onto her left side, in a tucked crunch position, which I have found helps to get the baby to "turn the corner" in the deep pelvis, although it causes some intense pain inside the left hip.  We only needed 3 contractions, and then she was able to get up and stand again, swaying and rocking, and she could feel how much descent there had been in that interval.  It was a little wierd for me, to not be checking, but surmising from what I knew of labor, and then needing the nurse to once-in-awhile verify the descent of the baby's head.  And her doctor is a good doctor, who was willing to be available as the labor came into the home stretch, waiting for that "urge to push".    The actual pushing time was probably less than 15 minutes, due to her being able to stand until the very end, and she was great at that muscular effort of pushing.  There is nothing in the world more beautiful than a woman doing the work of labor, with such concentrated muscular effort, and the rhythmic flow of it.  She and her husband had picked some wonderful music, much of it from my era, and it blended with the work.  Her mom played the ukelele, and some of these songs were songs she used to play.
The baby came into the world in a swirl of pink skin, and a good clear cry,  The fetal heartbeat had been good throughout labor, and there was a great thick umbilical cord and clear fluid, and a healthy lush placenta.  Her uterus contracted superbly.  There were no lacerations or tears.  It was just symphonically beautiful!    Her first baby had come in a long hard labor, and the second baby had needed time in the NICU for possible infection.  But this baby was just a perfectly lovely labor and delivery!
For me, this was a revisiting of something I have known and loved, for a long long  time.  I think I have delivered at least 10,000 babies in my lifetime;  and still, each one is a beautiful work of art.  I love the way labor is a symphony, each one slightly different, each family a little bit of heaven, as God sends a new baby into the world.   I did not feel sad or depressed to not be the doctor.  It was so wonderful feeling like a grandmother there!  And I did feel like I had her mom with me, being glad I was standing in, for this dear young woman.
Sometimes we have to believe that if we ourselves cannot be there for our children, someone else will carry the load for us.  The human family is an amazing and resilient and blessed gift.  I am really really glad I got to have this exquisite labor and delivery event, to remind me of all the joy I have had in my work.

"When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloomed"

“WHEN LILACS LAST IN THE DOORYARD BLOOM’D”

an elegy for Abraham Lincoln

(title, metaphors and images recycled from  poem by Walt Whitman, with the same name, and supplemented with words from President Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address.
Song fragments from "Green Grow the Lilacs" and from "The Battle Hymn of the Republic")   

When lilacs last in the dooryard bloomed

And the mournful sound of the train

Passed slowly over the corn-mantle on hills and valleys,

The towns were draped in black.

We heard the song of the grey-brown bird, 

Calling to us; asking us to tend the healing of our land;

“that a government of the people, by the people and for the people should not perish

From the earth”.

The compassionate eyes in the craggy face 

Look outward, 

And he holds the law with both of his large hands.

We stand on the marble steps, looking upward, open-mouthed,

And hear the spare song he is singing.  

“With malice toward none, with charity for all…”

The heart-shaped green leaves of the lilacs

As we drape them over this dark coffin, 

Carry with them our own hearts’ hopes.

“Let us strive on to finish the work we are in, 

To bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle

and for his widow and his orphan…”

The perfume of the lilacs, as intense as it is, 

Fills the dusty air, and makes the train whistle more like a dirge.

“To form a just and lasting peace”…

(BOOM BOOM BOOM,  SHHHHH, BOOM! Whoo-woo!) 

“All men are created equal.”

The ever-returning spring brings the flood of the lilac perfume

Through the open windows of the town,

Through the farms and offices and stores,

Through the lives of the women and men, remembering 

The song of the grey-brown bird…  

“Among ourselves and with all nations”.

( here we sing Green Grow the lilacs)

“Green grow the lilacs all sparkling with dew,

I’m lonely my darling since parting with you;

And by our next meeting I hope to prove true

And change the green lilacs to the red, white and blue”.

In the ever-returning spring, as the green corn ripens

And raises those eager shafts toward sunlight, blanketing the valleys,

And the ever-stronger whisper and roar of the traffic on the highways

Drowns out the small birds’ songs,

Let us hear again the light spare song of that grey-brown bird;

Singing of the law,

(In your courts, oh Lord, in your temple)

(here we sing The Battle Hymn of the Republic, especially the 3rd verse…)

“Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord,

He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored…

I have seen him in the watchfires of a hundred circling camps,

They have builded him an altar in the evening dews and damps,
I can read his righteous sentence by the dim and flaring lamps,

Hist truth is marching on!

He is sounding forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat,

He is sifting out the hearts of men before the judgement seat,

Oh be swift my soul to answer him, be jubilant my feet…”

The grey-brown bird of these measured and spare cathedrals, singing

The words of our laws;

The mind of steel like a lonely star, enduring the howled abuse by less wise men,

As he spoke to the better angels of our nation,

Let us not forget.  Though the song comes from the solitary thrush, 

Let us continue to pray to remember; 

Through all these losses and the bare ruined winter branches,

When the lilacs bloom again,

When the voice of the dove is heard in the land,

We will remember. 

And with those better angels, rise to sing

With the grey-brown bird who was the best of all our songbirds.  

mn2016

Home is the wanderer

I got back from the 6 week trip to Austria and Switzerland on Wednesday night.  San Francisco bay looked so beautiful in the late afternoon light!  I had hoped for enough time to get the feel of living in Europe: and staying with Marilyn and Jim certainly helped accomplish that goal.  It was so beautiful in the autumn, the long Indian summer only yielded to a rainy day on the week before I was to return, but still the weather held many lovely days, and one was the last day in the area near Vevey--- I had read that the nicest walking stint is from Chexbres to Vevey, through the vineyards, and went up there-- it was a cloudy day, but there were moments when the sun burned through the clouds and lit up the terraced vineyards over the lake, and Lake Geneva itself.  I had gotten sufficiently good at taking the train from Marilyn's house that it was a good day-trip, and I took my walking poles, just in case.  The vineyard trail was cemented, and flat, and very nice to walk on.  The views were breathtaking!  They were just harvesting some of the grapes... it was so beautiful!
In thinking about the trip, it was like a big spiral review through my life--- first, the Vienna reunion, 45 years after being there in our Junior year, and the marvel of being there with many of the same people, sharing that sense of reunion, of time lived since, and the reverberations of what Vienna meant in our lives.  I was so glad to get enough time to see the Breughels at the Kunsthistorisches museum, and to see Klimt's Beethoven frieze at the Jugendstill museum (the "golden cabbage" as the Viennese call it).  I made it to the Belvedere, to see "The Kiss", and that blue and white ceramic and tile room at Schonbrunn.  I saw the Lippizaners with Tunie, and the Kaisers apartments and Sisi's rooms in the Hofburg.  I spent a lot of time thinking about Sisi and what her life was like, and when they say she was a modern woman, and she was selfish, and she loved to travel.  I would love to have seen her place at Corfu!  I think the excruciating pain of her son's suicide just completely did her in.  I thought a lot about how royal people raised their children to be "courtly" and that she kept trying to escape and be her own person.  And maybe she was manic-depressive.  Her moods seemed very intense.
  I got to see the Picasso and Seurat show at the Albertina, and watched a Chef get 4 huge salmons ready for his sushi that evening, in the cafe there.  Being at the remodeled Albertina was a huge invitation to think of the changes in Vienna. When I was there before, there were long library tables and small lamps, and librarians with white gloves who would bring you a book and open it for you, and check to make sure your hands were clean before you touched the book, and not let you do anything which might injure the book, even placing it under a glass shelf so you could read without getting fingerprints on it.   The biggest change in the city is having the Ubahn, which makes it so quick and easy to get around, and the cell phones-- ubiquitous, and aiding us in getting people to know where to meet, and to maximize one's time.
  I had forgotten the Hebrew name of God in the rays of light above the main altar at the Karls'kirche--- did I ever know that was there?  It was fabulous light, and very interesting to consider the Spanish influence on Vienna from that branch of the family...
So much of Vienna was stuff I never saw, because I was studying, and did not take time to just walk around and see the city.  Being in the older area around the Griechenbeisl was not something I recognized--- and I loved that we got to see the Synagogue, with the robin's egg blue dome, thanks to the intervention of a sweet elderly man named Tommy, who was so taken with the idea that we had studied there so many years ago.  The monument to the 65,000 Jews from Vienna killed in Hitler's regime was beautiful and very poignant--- like a funnel of everlasting tears, spilling into a stone basin.
I had not put together before that the Schwartzenberg platz fountain is the same since Roman times, when the Romans founded the water supply to the city.  The water pressure is natural, not pumped!  
And the music!  It was so wonderful to get to be in the Musikverein, to see Zubin Mehta conduct the Vienna philharmonic orchestra-- Debussy's La Mer, and a Schubert piece with a lot of french horns... just wonderful!  And of course the high point was being at the Staatsoper for "Salome"-- Richard Strauss' work, fabulous music, shocking, amazingly well-acted and sung;  her lust for John the Baptist, and his purity of soul, and the disaster of the lust of the king; I have never heard that opera before, and the libretto by Oscar Wilde was so powerful... wow!  And running like a ribbon through it, the friendships and shared experience with the other alumni, and our love of Vienna.
The boat trip down the Danube allowed us some good opportunities to visit with each other, to share some memories, and the memorable day of the monastery at the rough part of the river, which turned out to be a link in the walks toward the Camino de Santiago, also; and coming into Budapest in the early morning, watching the light hit the marble on the parliament, seeing the Fischer bastion light up...  and putting together more than I had before, the intertwining histories of Sisi and Hungary, and the Hapsburg empire...
I was so glad to meet Peter in Bad Ischl, and found the Sophiens Doppelblick a real addition to the knowledge I had previously about the imperial family.  And I loved seeing the Kaiservilla, and Sisi's rooms.  It was also lovely to be at Mass in Bad Ischl and to see the people in dirndls and trachten, with a sense of recovered dignity and a feel of real resolution since the war.
Going to Salzburg, seeing Gundi and her mom, who is now 99, felt timeless.  And Hermann's place at the Irrsee, and meeting Martin and Ana, and thinking they are on the verge of new lives, new careers, as we fade out...  it was great to swim in the lake, & to watch the trees start to turn.
Then Jan and Mandy and Maren and Linda came to Fuschl am See;  and I got to have this time of being a "host-mom grandma"  to these sweet girls, and share the Marionetten theatre in Salzburg with them-- a lovely rendition of "The Magic Flute".  We went to St. Wolfgang, and Linda got a little blue dirndl, and looked so sweet in it. Hermann had taken me up the Schafberg in the train on a perfect sunny day, and you can see 5 lakes from the top--- it was a breathtakingly beautiful day...
Fuschl was lovely, and we even got to swim in the little spa across the street, in the last day it was open for the season...
Staying in the airb&b place with grad students studying the refugee situation was really interesting;   and this was the first time I went through the archbishop's residence in Salzburg, and thought about the power and decadence-- especially since we had seen the little movie at the salt mine in Hallstadt of Wolf Dietrich von Reichenau, and his use of the salt mine money to aggrandize the dom, the residenz and the fountain with Italianate splendour... along with having 15 children and being a very cruel master...  and I was so glad to walk to the top of the Kapucinerberg, even though I was huffing and puffing, and my knees hurt... I did it!
Then going on the train to Feldkirch and then on the Bernina Express to Lugano, staying at that lovely Hotel San Carlo, and walking on the quay.  It was hard to manage with both the backpack and suitcase, but I got through it, and got safely back to Marilyn and Jim's.  It was great to be there for Jim and Enrique's birthdays, and that allowed me to have more time with Martha, speaking Spanish (what a relief, after trying so hard to recover the German!--- actually it was coming back, and I could understand most of what I heard, but still was having a hard time making sentences, having to go really slowly)--- and then getting to go with her to the beautiful chapel at Romain-motier through another day in beautiful Swiss countryside...
Every day was very full, very wonderful, interesting and educational and marvelous.  I was with amazing and wonderful people, the Americans who are alumni with me, as well as the Austrians and Germans.  I am indebted to Jobeth for putting up with me as a roommate through the majority of the time;  it is not easy to travel, to be trying to fit so much into each day, and to have the stamina and flexibility to do it well.  I know that I am impatient, and in general I have more energy than most people, which is a gift, but makes others frustrated, if they are trying to keep up with me, and get exhausted.  I was really grateful to Marilyn for helping guide me through choices in Switzerland, and through the maze of train schedules, and even helping me get discount tickets and sending them to me in Austria.
There are small things which point to changes which are actually profound-- one was eating a soup in a cafe in Salzburg which was made of pumpkin, curry and chili.  I cannot imagine them serving such a thing 45 years ago.  And there are definite changes in protocol;  relaxation of general cultural rules, such as everyone wearing jeans in public as a routine clothing item.  Still, I saw an usher at the Musikverein turn away a man in a work-out sweater, because people still dress for the symphony and the opera.  But they allowed women to wear nice slacks in to the opera, as long as the tops and coats were dressy.  And sensible shoes were the general rule, which is good, as we all have gotten older, and walking and standing in high heels is so hard!    I found out in Lugano that what we called a "grossen braunen" in coffeeshops inVienna is a double espresso.  All the cafes and pastry shops still sell the most lovely pastries, but there are also shops now lining the halls at the train station, making it very convenient to do shopping on the way home from anywhere.  And they still call afternoon tea or coffee "Jause".  We stayed with a wonderful hausfrau at the Vienna International Center (out past the Donau canal) which is where the UN offices are.  Jobeth went on a tour of the UN offices, which was a very positive experience.  Vienna has gotten used to people from everywhere else, and it is amazing to be on the train with so many different kinds of people-- like New York.  The old beer halls are next to very chic stores;  expensive clothing boutiques line the Graben and the inner city.  The strassenbahns still roll around the Ringstrasse, and there are still bargains in some shops.   Museums are closed on Monday, but full on Tuesday.  However, I think it is the first time I saw the black and white marble mosaic floor at the Kunsthistorisches museum, and realized how artistic the floor is! ( I think maybe there were so many people there, when I was there before, that I never saw the floor).  
It will be reverberating in me for a long time-- this experience.  It is hard to do it justice.  It will also be interesting to see what others saw and remember as important, and the changes we all sensed.  I am so grateful for the chance to do this trip!  

Walking in the Alps

Walking in the Alps:
Marilyn & I went on the Swiss trains to the Lauterbrunnen valley, near the three peaks, the Jungfrau, the Eiger and the Monksberg.  Going past beautifully manicured emerald green fields, with hay neatly baled and plastic-wrapped, and peaceful clean and groomed cows in a few places, we passed Lake Thun and Bern.  Every view was so beautiful, and rising into the Alps we could begin to see the snow-capped peaks at the top of the valley.  The Swiss rail pass allows all these train rides as well as gondolas, so it feels like a Disneyland pass.   In the Lauterbrunnen valley we walked about an hour along the valley floor, then got the gondolas and train to Murren.  We stayed at the Jungfrau hotel, looking directly at the peak just across from our window.  We went down to Gimmelwald on the gondolas, and because it rained gently all night, the waterfalls and the river were much fuller the next day.  It was still raining, and the mountain was draped in mist and clouds, sometimes invisible then revealed again.  Riding the gondolas allows one to cross the beautiful waterfalls and breathtaking walls and cliffs across from the ridge of glacier and rock.  The weather was still relatively warm and summery.  Down in the valley we had heard the rushing river, and cowbells in a small herd near the river. There were still wildflowers, some pink blossoms which looked like crocuses, and blue flowers which might be related to columbines.  The meadow grass was very dense.
Coming down and back to Marilyn's, which is between Lausanne and Geneva along Lake Geneva, there are such beautiful valleys and farms, and one expanse along Lake Thun.
My first day here, we went on a boat on Lake Geneva, and saw the beautiful terraced vineyards by Veyvey. Lake Geneva is also gorgeous, with constantly changing light.  I am so delighted and grateful to get to see all this beautiful region, and especially to be so close to the actual Jungfrau!  Jobeth comes today, and we will go back up to Murren and Gimmelwald, then take the train to Austria.

Ready to go

I haven't posted in a few months to the blog.  But now, on the eve of my trip to Switzerland and Austria, it seems a good thing to start posting again.
I have been happy to find several things which help with travel-- a small zippered pouch with an elastic waist belt, to hold the passport and phone is top of the list.  Next to that, shoes which are both sturdy and comfortable-- I got some Keen walking boots, lighter than my previous boots, and fit like gloves!  I also got a nice pair of Clarks which are wearable with socks, and will work when the Ma Clampitt boots don't.  I will take my phone to be able to use as a camera, but will get a sims card in Europe for local calls.  Hopefully there will be a lot of internet cafes where we can use the wifi to send messages.  I am excited to see Marilyn and get to see her home and life in Switzerland.   And in Austria, to see Gundi and Hermann will be wonderful.  And finally, the visit at the end of my time with Jan's family from Germany, where I will get to see his parents (last seen in 2001) and his children, whom I have not met except by skype visits!  I am hoping Jan's wife is feeling better-- she has had back pain this month.  The central part is to see a gaggle of the people I went to school with when we were 20, in Vienna.  This is an amazing opportunity to go through a later concentric circle of life, learning about the difference this many decades later, about who we are, and how we feel and think now.  I feel so blessed to get this chance!  To be able to try to compare and contrast with how it was when we were young!  I hope to be able to post some thoughts about this, and also some ideas for stories and poems.