e books of poetry

Dear friends and colleagues,
Today I was finally able, with Hannah Lewbel's help, to get my poetry books published for sale on Kindle.  My poems are now available online!   This is a red-letter day!  I wish my mother were alive to see it!  Blessings and may the books be used and be liked.  I also made it so you can lend them for up to 14 days, so teachers can encourage students to read the copy of a poem if they would like to use one.  This is a happy day for me!  :)

Starting up again

So today I worked out a plan to do part-time office Gynecology with my colleagues Dr. Watson and Dr. Halpern.  They are family doctors and not associated with either Dignity or Sutter.  This will allow me to stay independent, and try to regain being of service in my town.  It was wonderful being able to dedicate some time to rebuilding my grandmother's house, and now it is more detail work.  I got the mirror for the bathroom resurfaced, last time I was there, and I got the books from my mother and dad's library, which was in the portable storage unit, mostly sorted;  we took 10 boxes of the less-good books to the town library, and I was able to put the best books into my house's bookshelves.  This filled up most of the bookshelves Ian had built for the past two months, so we will need more.  Little by little I am taking my own copies of the classics, and my poetry collection, down to Camarillo.
My friend Peter Reck has come up to collect the painting that was in the dining room at the old house, Adolfo Camarillo's house, which is now a town museum/park.  The painting is of three priests who look like they are about to be martyred, and are holding the instruments for their doom.  They are in black robes.  Peter thinks this painting is probably Mexican, in the Spanish style, and from the 17th or 18th century.  It has been stored badly, and has mold.  But it may be valuable to someone looking at art from this period, and Peter has been sleuthing out curators and restorers who may take on the job of doing this saving work.  I am very glad, because I hate to let things be lost.  I hope at some point to be able to get my dad's portrait of Aunt Carmen worked on-- it was badly scratched by another painting in front of it, with the wire rubbing on the canvas.
Next time I go down, I am still hoping to get the pipes worked on.  This has taken an inordinate amount of time, and maybe I need to get a different company to do it.  But I am trying to get water both from the pump to the house, and the yard.  This is how it was before.  But we need new pipes.
I was happy that the guy who takes care of the white horses since Melly got too old, Jay Moreno, is also a tree cutter, and he did a beautiful job topping the jacarandas and also the oak in the front yard which was in danger of toppling over onto the house.  I am hoping to start some more planting of the garden, and working on the fencing soon.  It is a big task, and everything needs to be done, but we have certainly made headway, and the house itself is wonderful, livable and secure. with good walls and roof.  I love having the gallery space, and dad's paintings.  Many of my paintings from the office now have a new place to shine, and the tapestry is by the piano.
It has been wonderful having my friend Marly introduce me to her son Ian, who has become my cabinet guy.  He also did the great favor of taking a beautiful big Mexican blue-and-white jar down from Monterey to the house--- when we were checking out the paintings at the Monterey art museum, we went to a lovely furniture store, and there was this gorgeous large ginger jar from Guanajuato.  It is standing in the piano room, and looks good.
This fall is the Vienna reunion in Vienna, and the trip down the Danube, and I am glad to be going.  Andy says he is willing to go with me and walk a week in the alps first.  I have wanted to do this a long time, and last year I saw that there are walking trips one can sign up for in the Tirol. This is very exciting!  Kathy and I were shopping in San Francisco, and I found a second-hand store with a perfect Tyrollean hat that fits me, so I am ready to roll!  I am still considering whether to take my dirndl.
We have had a good soaking rain here these two weeks.  We have desperately needed it, as California is in a drought for over 4 years.   I hope we get more rain, and a lot of snow-pack, so we can fill the aquifers.
The political world is in a whirl leading to the early primaries in New Hampshire and Iowa.  I am praying Bernie Sanders wins the Democratic nomination.  I feel he is a breath of fresh air and great hope-- as he takes on the corporations and the banks.  It is good to finally have someone who cares like the Kennedys, MLK, and FDR.  I pray every day for his safety, and for the moderate Republicans, who cannot stand Trump, to vote for Bernie.
Well, it has been a few months since my last posting.   I do hope to get more photos of Nana's house, to show.  I am also glad that Jan Grahmann, our exchange student son from 1994, and his wife Mandy are coming in early February.  It will be so good to see him!

New Beginnings

I am slowly coming to understand what this new stage in my life is.  I am slowing down.  I have two structural parts to my day.  Around 8 am, Isis the dog and I go for a walk on the beach, and we try to do about 6 miles.  I have been really happy with a new invention called "sand socks".  These are black ankle-high booties for wearing on sand.  When I wear the "darn tough" well-built walking socks inside them, they give just enough support, and they keep the sand out.  I have already worn out one pair, in about 4 months.  The other structural part of my day is going swimming at the gym in mid-afternoon.  I love to see the marbled sunlight in the water, and the droplets creating rings which ripple outward as I swim.  I do the crawl one-way, and backstroke on the return.  I try for 30 minutes. Sometimes I have to share a lane.  Mostly the weather has been grand.  When we walk on the beach in the morning, Isis has a sea lion who is like a mermaid to her.  It sticks its head up, and she tries to run toward it, but then gets slammed with a wave or two.  She turns and runs parallel to the beach, hoping it will come in closer.  If another dog starts to swim out toward it, she heads it off.  I think she really is hoping to play with it, and considers herself its friend.  We have also seen lots of dolphins just past the breakers, and I always feel uplifted and joyful when I see them.  They are in pods, and sometimes you can tell one is a baby, because it is smaller.  Once I saw 3 riding a wave in together, although they ducked out at a safe distance!
I am also trying to write poems.  I am still stuck, and not getting much done.  I wanted to finish the book of Camino poems, but I got stuck at the place where I say I am carrying the tribes back from the new world to the old world, in my body, my person.  I am not able to describe it right.  I keep coming up against Roger Kamenetz' question--- HOW do you carry the tribes?  I am glad to be in a small group of poets who are trying to write from our dreams.  This is not easy for me.  I don't dream very often, and finding imagery or symbols in the dreams to use is not something I have gotten any better at, over these months.  But I keep trying.  Last night we watched the total eclipse of the moon, and I loved that it was called a blood moon, due to the dusky red color.  I couldn't see it through the cloud-cover, but the clouds had a dusky red appearance, and veins which looked like varicose veins in a suffused clotted limb.  The veins were the thin places between the cobblestone clouds, in the dark sky.  I watched the moon fill out again, over the next hour, and it was fascinating, thinking about Galileo, and how he came to understand the sky.
This past weekend Pope Francis was here in NY and Philadelphia, and it was great getting to see on You Tube so many slices of the day's events.  I loved the group of religious leaders all together at the 9/11 memorial.  It was very moving to hear the Jewish cantor and also the Muslim Iman, singing so beautifully for peace.  And the young people, singing "Let Peace begin with me".   It is wonderful that Pope Francis has given such a marvelous encyclical, Laudato Si.  He situates us in the microcosm and macrocosm, in the holgraphic universe.  It is very Teilhardian, and coherent, and Richard Rohr, OFM, gave a nice synopsis of it.  Each of his sermons on this visit were superb, and it was wonderful that he mentioned Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr, and Thomas Merton and Dorothy Day.  This is really exciting, and keeps showing that he is pushing to actually and truly help the poor, and help promote social justice.  I am so hopeful.  I was listening to Man of La Mancha on my way south again, and cried as Dulcinea sings that last recap of "to dream the impossible dream"--- it is still such a favorite, and embodies my era so well!
I am excited to be going to the lady doctor retreat at Esalen next week, and then a week at the beach.  It is wonderful to have more time to pray, to wake up not panicky about what I am forgetting or haven't done, or a detail about a patient I didn't write down in the chart.  I am so glad to have been able to let that part go.  Otherwise, it is very like dying, not being oneself at all anymore.  I have lost my persona.  But it is so wonderful that I am still breathing, and still can walk and swim.  I am beginning to feel there is a new way to be myself.  It feels wonderful to be in my grandmother's space, the house in the lemon orchard.  I am slowly getting it fixed up.  It is very slow--- I was pretty naive about how long this would take.  But it is coming together.  And I love just smelling the lemons, and walking in the hill canyon park, and watching the light come up in the morning, and go down in the evening.  It is peaceful and quiet.  I am so blessed and grateful to have this time, folded into my life.

Gay rights

I have been thinking about what happened yesterday in Ireland, that same-sex marriage was made legal by a referendum with about 70% of the popular vote.  Finally, a safety of equality before the law, in at least one country,  for gay people!  For much of my life, I have loved gay men.  Several were the best friends I had, in my late teens through mid-30s.  Some tried desperately to not be gay.  One stopped short of a marriage to cover up being gay.  I have thought over and over about a friend of my mom's, who came home one day to find her husband in her bed with another man.  She had had 5 children with him, and thought it was a stable marriage, and it had lasted almost 20 years.  She was so devastated.  The church we grew up in was no help.  I have a friend who is a pastor in a Christian church, and we have discussed the issue of how human sexuality and gay rights have ripped the church's solidarity apart.  I still believe that the most important thing for pastoral care, in every Christian church, is to re-affirm consistently, and firmly, that God loves everyone.  God does not prefer straight to gay people.  God has a preference for the uniqueness and individual souls' relationship with the ineffable mystery, the divine,  which calls us forth.  God makes lilies of the field, and people, each perfect in our own ways, even though we see our flaws, our failings, often more clearly than we see our strengths.  I look forward to the day when all bad theology is thrown out, and we can be a safe-haven for everyone who needs to feel the love of God shining on them.
I wrote a poem this month, about this issue in my own life.  Although I am not gay, I have loved people who are.  And I want them to be safe.  I have also been thinking a lot about the issue of what safety in sexuality means, for women, for pregnancy, for relationships which lead to parenthood.  I want people to have relationships based on mutual respect and affection.  It frightens me to think that so many people have built relationships on being drunk and taking advantage of someone.  I am worried about date-rape, and variations of power over the partner, which have been talked about since Ibsen wrote "the Doll's House".   I think there are a lot of people who have never experienced the joy of consensual sex.  We need to work on teaching healthy sexuality, and healthy self-care, as the foundation for healthy relationships.
Here is my poem, thinking about a very dear friend I have had since I was very young.

"I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME LIKE YOU LOVED ME THEN"

I want you to love me like you loved me then; 

When we were 30,  at the opera, 

watching the last trio in Der Rosenkavalier;

you were holding my hand and we were caught in the passion,  

Our hearts in our throats, singing in silence with them, 

Breath for breath on rising notes of heartwrenching beauty, 

Joyful and overwhelmed, 

Aware that we really understood each other,

And even though you were gay, and I didn’t understand that,

You loved me in the way in which we loved the opera,

In the way we had brought ourselves through all that

growing up, together;  

Holding hands and knowing so many things we loved at the same time,

In our eagerness to love and understand all we could about the world,

All the art and music, and the tenderness and scent of silver roses,

waltzes in gilded rooms under glittering chandeliers,

and the past

We almost could touch with our fingertips; 

Sitting in the red plush velvet seats,

Watching the Marschallin give up to Sophie

The very love of love;  in the most graceful

And powerful flourish of generosity.

Quin-quin  singing the words of not understanding why

The fine gift she is giving makes her seem even greater, 

Even grander, as he turns from her to go to Sophie

And happily ever after—

While we are sitting there, holding hands tightly and not breathing,

and moving apart in the same way,

and almost for the same reason.  

mn 2015

Eulogy (just my part) for Dr. Joan Barber

Joan graduated from medical school with honors in 1971.  The following year Patsy Mink, who was a congress woman in Hawaii, got Title IX passed in Congress, which gave women equal access to higher education.  Patsy’s dad was a doctor, and she wanted to become a doctor, but they wouldn’t let her into medical school, so she became a lawyer and then a very well-respected congresswoman.  JoAnn did not get any help from Title IX, but many later women doctors did.

I graduated with a degree in philosophy with honors in 1972, and was in the Peace Corps for 2 years.  When I came back wanting to become a doctor, the dean of admissions at UCDavis laughed me out of his office. So we had that in common!

I consider JoAnn to be the perfect role model,  from that vanguard of women in medicine— when there were only a few brilliant women in each class.

It is amazing that she wanted to be a doctor all her life, and was still sure at 18!   She was such a perfectly-built woman— compact and energetic, smart and cute.  She reminded me of a bright bird— I always remember her in good-looking, well-fitting clothes, which weren’t fussy, but showed off the physical fitness she built into her life.  It can hardly be emphasized enough that she was a role-model of how to be healthy, how to set oneself good goals and daily attempts to maintain fitness.  Her patients had chronic pain, chronic limitations and difficulty with movement.  But she always emphasized and modeled  what was possible and reasonable to do, to keep oneself as healthy as possible.

Also, I remember thinking that she and Milton seemed so “normal" and fun-loving a couple.   I once asked Milton about it, and he laughed and admitted he thought he had married a teacher!

But it says a lot about them both, that it was a great marriage, and that they both worked to raise good children who really are outstanding;  and that the work/life balance which is the Scylla and Charybdis of medical women’s lives, was something JoAnn mastered and carried out very gracefully.

Being a workaholic is not a good role model, although most of our early teachers were that.  (here I meant to add about time off— that women in medicine fought for maternity leave, and when Dr. Allari stood his ground with the Sutter administration and got his paternity leave, I knew we had fought for all doctors’ families, to be able to help the men doctors TOO, to have healthier lives)

One story from the early years of practice was from Becky— the office book-keeper— there was never any other item in the balancing of the checkbook except groceries— every few days on the way home JoAnn would stop to get groceries!  She hardly had time for any other shopping.

Another story from Becky is about the children— when they were young, if they got sick, she brought them to work in her van— kept them in the parking lot, doing their homework or sleeping.  NO secondary gain, no tv or distractions, and back-to-school as soon as they were healthy again!  To me this is very important;  about discipline and good boundary-setting, in raising children without self-indulgence.

Another thing is that JoAnn rose to that level of excellence as a clinician which made all of us doctors want to refer patients to her— especially if we weren’t sure of the diagnosis, because we knew she would do a thorough Physical Exam, and Differential Diagnosis, and in a very helpful and efficient way come up with the right treatment plan.  Our patients would rapidly improve, and also be eternally grateful! 

We both believed that estrogen helped decrease and smooth-out symptoms of arthritis in women, so we harmonized in our efforts to treat women for menopause and joint pain.

JoAnn was truly brilliant and insightful.  She cut through reams of articles and data and studies, to help us decide on what the Osteoporosis Committee recommendations should be, as to screening with bone densities, before standards were yet agreed upon.  Her sensible protocol has largely been upheld by the medical community.  The World Health Organization FRAX online tool has since made it easier for clinicians.  JoAnn was aware that rheumatoid arthritis does increase the risk of fracture, and she was vigorously pro-active in trying to reduce the risk for her patients.  

She was good at encouraging patients to increase weight-bearing exercise;  and because of her, I got interested and read the book by Miriam Nelson, the exercise physiologist from Tufts, called “Strong women stay slim”.  I started pushing my patients more to try to increase the walking; and to try to get to the goal of 10,000 steps per day.  

I always appreciated that she tailored theoretical and analytic knowledge to her patients, and her patients got copies of her notes long before I was willing to use the computer.  What was important was that her notes helped them understand their diagnosis and comply with her treatment plan.

On a personal note, my husband and sons got to go pick grapes in the Barber’s vineyard once or twice, but of course I was on-call and didn’t get to go.  They had a really fun time, and it was a community event, with good food and great wine! 

The last big event I got to attend at their home was for the medical society, especially to honor the earliest women doctors in Santa Cruz.  I remember Dr. Shorenstein, Dr. Korakas, and Dr. Meister there, and I think also Dr. Santora  and Dr. Baskerville came.  It was a lovely spring day, and we had a great time.  Milton took everyone on a walking tour through the redwoods, explaining details and interesting things about our special ecosystem, and it was a great educational event, which I still remember. ( The redwoods take up 16 times their weight in fog/water…)

I also saw JoAnn as her patient, and I echo what the other patients have said.  She emphatically encouraged exercise, and in easy-to-understand language, gave me some tips.  I was very encouraged when I saw her 10 years later, and she said I had actually improved my range of motion, so her notes were helpful, and one could assess progress and continuity from them! 

She took her own x rays, and read them— which was practical and there was no delay— she could get extra films if she needed them.  This is almost impossible for doctors now.

In every way she was an admirable physician, and her patients knew she was doing work she loved;  that she was not just trying to get paid; and that often she under-charged.  

Her staff said there were many times when she did not make money— and she always paid her staff first, before herself.  So again, it was lucky that Milton was there to back her up;

because he too believed in practicing in the most excellent and ethical manner. 

Finally— last lessons— Being Loved to Death.

Going to see JoAnn at their beautiful home that last time, a few weeks before she died, helped me know I should retire and try to find a better balance with my family.  

Watching Milton and Adelia care for JoAnn in that puddle of morning sunlight, when she was no longer speaking, and no longer walking, but still able to lean toward Milton’s voice, and his touch on her shoulder, made me think about how great it would be to be loved to death— to have such sweet and patient care.  Hospice was helping them;  but Adelia, who was nursing her baby, was watching and present, and helpful, as a person who was raised by a good doctor CAN be helpful.

And the reassurance of the loving touch and patience from Milton spoke worlds about what every physician hopes for, for our patients;  but may hardly dare to hope for, for ourselves.  

We live in a difficult age, and emotional support to help someone do a difficult and sustained job like being a practicing physician is hard to come by;  but this family, and especially Milton, have been a rock-solid base for JoAnn to be able to practice medicine in a beautiful and graceful way, and to meet the real needs of so many patients!  

Goodbye letter to patients

At the end of December, I was sending this letter to my patients, telling them I am retiring.  In an effort to try to give a bit of closure, and to thank my patients, and to wish them well, I felt impelled to get this into the mail.  It surprises me how few doctors actually "take leave" of the patients in a personal goodbye.  I believe when we have developed a doctor-patient relationship, I owe them this.  So here it is, and maybe someone reading it will comment, build a better one, or use it for their own patients.  

To my dear patients:

I would never find a good time for retiring, for saying goodbye.  As you probably have heard me say,  I have been having a very hard time keeping up with the computer, with the details which are needing attention, with having enough patience with all the things we need to do, so that your care is as good as it can be.  I will miss you all, but I know that it is time for me to let younger and more energetic doctors do this job.  I have been tired, and I don’t think I am as quick-witted as I used to be!  I am grateful that I do not have a life-threatening illness, or a big huge new stressor.  I feel glad that I can try to give more of my attention to my own family now, and to enjoy some time being healthy!   My retirement will begin January 31, 2015.

I want to believe that you are taking good care of yourself, doing your daily exercise, eating right, and not letting yourself be bullied.  I want your children to grow up smart and strong, and for your life and your relationships to be healthy and happy!   I am hoping that the next doctor you see really does engage you as a caring provider!   I think the younger doctors will have an easier time with the computer than I do, and that will make it easier to keep up the charting.

I believe the next big frontier in medicine is the mind;  and it is coming to pass, that more attention will be given to how to help people stay more mentally healthy as we age.  I envy the younger doctors who will have better tools for helping people to stay strong and healthy, and also probably have less guess-work.

The kind of private practice which we have here at Harbor Medical Group has had some very hard stresses;  as the majority of doctors move into bigger corporate practices.  We have tried to be flexible and to be accessible to our patients;  but the costs of delivery of care are rising, and it has been a big stress for us to try to juggle this problem, too.

If you need your records to be sent to another doctor, please send a signed record release form.  If you have received routine Obstetric or Gynecologic care, unless you have had an ongoing problem or need your pathology report from a previous surgery, your next doctor may not need these records.

 I do not think it is easy to form a healthy doctor-patient relationship, and so I hope you will have patience with your next doctor, to try to teach them how to do it! Because I know it is a relationship which is precious and worth having, and it DOES make a difference in getting the best care.

I thank you for your love and support, and kindness, and loyalty to me.  As I said, it would never be easy, or the right time to say goodbye.

With love and hope for all of our futures,

Martina Nicholson MD, FACOG

P.S. I will stop by and check once in awhile, so if you have a photo of your baby, or want to drop me a note about how you are doing, please do.

Retirement, and the Goodbye Party

I have been trying for 6 months to get myself ready, and to begin to know  how to do this, how to "let go, and let God," in this part of me which always felt like the biggest part of me, and of what I was called to be and do.  And yet, Rachel said, "walk out of your role and into your life".  So there was a way to get past the feeling that I am dying-- it just was going to be hard.  I have closely watched many people approach this change, and it is not easy to do this gracefully.
I know that my children have gotten less of me than some children have gotten from their mothers, and it was always the existential question-- "did they get ENOUGH?" even though it might be less than they wanted, was it sufficient for them?  So it was even more tension, that Andy is leaving for Chile, just after the retirement party, but a great gift that he was willing to come, and hang out and just be there for me.  And Sebastian, too--- now such a grownup, and able to bring the beer, and sit on the tailgate schmoozing with Dr. Garner.
The irony is that I had invited about 100 doctor-colleagues, and only Dr. Garner actually came, and Dr. McNamara, partly because the social worker Kim brought him along.  I am so indebted to the labor nurses, who came and made merry, and were fun and strong and warm.  These women have been the backbone of my life, and in real ways, being the team in OB, have made our work possible, and gotten me through a lot of crises, and helped babies arrive safely in their mother's arms.
I have been already trying for months  to feel my way through this, saying to myself that this may be the last time I do this, and this may be the last time I see "her" face.  Last week I worked very hard stuffing envelopes with the goodbye letter.  I did it until my back was hurting so badly that I had to lie down, and again I knew deeply that it is time for me to go;  and that these letters, my last attempt to give love and support to my patients, will need other hands to seal and mail them.  I have tried to keep going so that the office will keep functioning and our staff can keep working, but we are being squeezed out by larger corporate structures, and we cannot make ends meet any more.  So I am praying for each of my staff, to be able to get good jobs, and to fit into their new lives in ways even better than what they have now-- ways that God can move in their lives in mysterious ways which will strengthen all the good in them-- which I know and have loved, and have been blessed by.
I remember several other docs facing the dilemna;  and one who couldn't leave, so she stayed until 3 days before she died, walking through the hospital, trying to function, and not willing to give up this identity.
I remember Joe Anzalone, who tried about 3 different times to retire, before he actually stopped walking in to do surgery or check on the office.  I have heard that in big corporate practices you can retire at age 55 with full benefits, so there is nothing but the love of your patients to try to hold you there.  And maybe it is easier, when there is a larger staff to take over the patient care, of those patients you have loved and taken care of for a long time.  And I do know other docs who say "but I have been taking care of (her) for 30 years, it is so hard to say goodbye!".  That is how I feel about each of my patients--- we have formed a doctor-patient relationship.
There are a few patients who had such severe stress and terror, and deep vaginismus, that to get an exam and pap smear was a major achievement.  Slowly, slowly, they came to trust me, to believe I wouldn't hurt them;  and that no question they asked would be unwelcome, that I would try to answer the best I could.  And also, we who have been practicing a long time can see now, how much the real issue is FEAR--- so many questions and hesitation and blocked speech, all from the terror of "what does this mean?".   Once we are able to give a diagnosis and tell them what it means, and to put it into a context, they can bear the next step.
I am going to miss that part, and also the part of helping women to have a normal vaginal delivery--- as the c/section rates rise higher and higher, and doctors are so scared of being sued, and the protocols get more rigid--- it becomes harder to take a chance, try a different position, see if maybe we are able to make a difference in some small way, so that this baby will come down through this mom's pelvis.  I have written before about women who don't want to see us, don't want to come to the hospital, and who believe midwives will miraculously be able to do more than a doctor to help them get through a vaginal delivery.  I am glad to know some excellent midwives, but they need us for the tough cases, and they recognize the difficulties inherent in childbirth.
I am glad that all around the world, better maternal-child health is happening. Although it has gotten worse in our country, because of loss of healthcare coverage, and women working so hard;  so preterm labor has increased.  And somehow we are having this epidemic of autism, and we don't know why!  At least in the developing world, more money and training and help is happening, to get safer deliveries, and less mothers dying in childbirth, and more babies making it to childhood.
It is time for me to stop doing the 16 hour days, the nights on-call, and the need to jump out of bed and race to the hospital for someone whose baby's heartbeat suddenly isn't looking safe-- or a hemorrhage, or an ectopic pregnancy.   I know that there are superbly trained young doctors out there, and I hope they will be willing to just be kind and compassionate and gentle, as they offer technically excellent care.
I feel the feeling of fellow-docs;  that tiny unstated resentment, of abandoning them, leaving the team.  I know that subtle turning away-- "you don't belong here anymore".  No one knows how to do this when they are young, and even when you are old, it is very hard to be able to do it gracefully.  When you are young and get sick, like one of my doctor friends who got a terrible case of chronic fatigue syndrome which has been unresponsive to every thing they have triend, she feels that they write her off, look at her as a victim and sad case, not as a doc who couldn't keep doing the medical role.  I am afraid of being seen as an old fuddy-duddy, or someone who is just in the way, or "does it wrong".
I know that they are not going to come and ask my opinion, and that everyone has to learn to make their own mistakes.  These are such hard lessons.  I will keep doing the prayers, and trying to let go gracefully--- but I know so many times a day, I will have to open my hands again, and ask for help.
I feel so lucky to have the feeling God is walking this walk with me, through the valley of the shadow of death.  I say the prayer from Thomas Merton hoping that I am listening hard enough to that real voice, which is calling me, to do what is best, which conforms best to God's plans, will, desires.
It is good I have another month to practice, another month of trying to get more graceful at trying to let go!
I read this wonderful quote today from another doc I have loved and respected, Ken Hamilton, who started a group called H.O.P.E.
"In closing, I share with you this thought—my “Prime Directive”—“First, do no harm; second, do some good; third, benefit someone; and fourth, be kind to them.”( Indeed, remember Anne Herbert’s “Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty,”)  and work it at every conceivable opportunity… it is infectious."


my favorite prayer---
. “My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”
Thomas Merton