Responding to Kristof on some 3rd world parents' poor choices

Nicholas Kristof wrote an article about parents in Africa who choose beer and cigarettes, cellphones and prostitutes over the needs of their children for mosquito nets, food, shelter, and education. Check it out in the NY Times, May 23, "How about a beer?"
May 23rd, 2010
7:29 am

The patterns of self-discipline, respectful cooperation, and delayed gratification, within close-knit and healthy families are the real goal. Teaching by example, so that the children see the joy and love in their parents' willingness to forego a momentary pleasure in order to see them grow stronger and more able to be productive and successful in life is paramount. Domestic violence, emotional abuse and addiction teach the next generation to be violent, abusive and addicted. In each way that we help break the cycle, reduce the violence, advocate for family life and safety for communities, we make the future better. We can inspire hope, and we can offer incentives. I liked the posting which recommended sending financial planners in the Peace Corps. I also liked the posting about the overseas workers' domestic help's way of spending the money they make to better their families' lives. I recently was upset by my son speaking about some of the UN workers raping kids in Africa. You Tube makes all this material up close and personal; --butchery, madness, gang violence, lawlessness. We need to keep inspiring hope for progress. Archbishop Tutu's wonderful modeling of forgiveness is important. Alcoholics Anonymous is really important too. Without a hierarchy to support, it is a free organization for all who need it to help them recover from addiction. It is possible to become sober, and to find joy again. Each person needs to do this for himself, without coersion. Women can be better financial planners for the family, but ultimately, for families to be strong and resilient, the men need to become healthy and un-numb, and non-violent, and become better partners. The best incentive is \"the pursuit of happiness\"-- which indeed should include healthiness and self-respect.

Thinking out loud

I do think I should say that the quote I liked about the benefits of having sex was from my college football-star nephew Johnny, and I was impressed with his scientific presentation of the facts! Taking it up a few notches, on picking an appropriate partner, and nuances of emotionally healthy connections over time would also be interesting and welcome. I was reading in the New Yorker about a great inventor, who just graduated recently from MIT, and has one great idea after another, and is working on wind-power-generating-electricity kites, among other things. He said that what we need is a whole new level of maturity in human behavior. He said that making, modifying and repairing things can be an antidote to throwaway consumerism. Saul Griffith sounds like my kind of guy-- interested in problem-solving which actually gets to the root of the problem! The cost is daunting. He said that even with a perfect energy-solving idea, it would take at least a hundred million dollars and at least 5-10 years to develop. We need a new way to develop venture capital for real problems on this scale. On the other hand, I was heartened to learn that bees are now being nurtured and protected in people's backyards, because the exhaustion from overwork was killing them. When every neighborhood has a hive, it will be good for encouraging pollination and diversity-honey! I think local honey is good for people's immune systems...

Andy and the "hate crime"

On Friday evening, Andy was assaulted on a downtown sidewalk in Venice, Ca. He was wearing what I call his "Tinkerbell" clothes-- he likes wild colors and patterns and "girlish" fabrics. Two guys got revved up, yelling he was gay, and started hitting and kicking him, knocked him down and almost broke his wrist. Luckily, the policemen were not far away. His iphone was stolen-- which had all his schoolwork and photos on it, and hadn't been backed up. But thank God they didn't have a gun or a knife, and he was able to get up and walk. A friend brought him home. I had already planned to go down to see him and mom, so I was there at noon on Saturday. I am reflecting on this event with prayers and fear; and the awareness that the loss of civility in our public sphere, and the constant tension and hostility lately in the news may contribute to the "hair-trigger" on angry young men. I have begged Andy to try not to "stand out" so much, to maintain a "defensive" look, such as I wore in New York. The area he was in is not considered a "dangerous" neighborhood.
Being a parent is such a hard lesson in helplessness. Learning prudence is one of the most important lessons of "getting along in the world". I am truly thanking God that it was not worse.
I continue to say my prayers, but this event makes me even more fearful, and "cowed". I think I will look up that word. Does it mean to be roped around the feet and thrown, like in a rodeo, when they are going to brand the cow??? Also, this is not about sexual preference-- it is about clothes. Should one say that being conventional is so important in this life-threatening situation? He just likes to dress like a kindergartener, or a "fairy". He would say he is enlarging the fashion-sense of people, and the colorfulness of the street scene. He would say that he is helping liberate men from the straight jacket of pinstripe suits, or white t-shirt and jeans.

READINGS FROM THE JANUARY "SUN" MAGAZINE

Dear friends,
I had too much time to read today! I read the Sun magazine story, "Constellations" by Megan Kruse. I also read "The Sweet and the Salt" by Tatjana Soli, and the stories in the section called Readers Write; this month's topic is Narrow Escapes. Both Constellations and The Sweet and the Salt have to do with women being used and abused. Constellations comes closest to my experience as a gynecologist, around the issue of domestic violence. It probes that line between the patient and the helper, the idea one has of the abuser, the hope that the abuse will stop, the love that got twisted, the vulnerability of the children. My heart was in my throat and I could hardly finish reading it. It is a terrorizing topic. One never feels the same way again, after one has tried to help stop a case like this, and seeing the boundary lines bleed, and feeling the self wobble. I bring it up here, because it has to do with violence, with therapy, with the hopes one has for social solutions. And for the brokenness of families. I belong to Al Anon, and many of the stories of wives of alcoholics are these same stories. The tremendous burn-out, the danger, the hopelessness, the sinking into despair grip me. We need armies of social workers, helpers, solutions; and we need to get the corporate monsters off our backs, to help address this issue. There are too many ways to say "it is not my problem". There are too many ways that these most vulnerable souls fall through the cracks. I was just given the book Teens Under the Influence, written by Katherine Ketcham and Nicholas Pace, MD. She is a co-author of one of my favorite books, "the Spirituality of Imperfection"-- and this is a good book. But it set me up with even thinner skin for this story. May this year be the year that the medical community says NO to the defeating forces, and YES to community and common good. I know it is only a sliver of hope; "Once in a blue moon"-- and we just got one! Bless all of you who are doing so much to hold up your corners of the world!

in sickness and in health

Dear friends,
I have been sorely tried with the devastating news that my friend Tunie has been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. It is hard to be far away, and unable to do anything really useful besides pray-- although I really do believe that prayer is important and useful, and it has been wonderful to see the outpouring of love and notes to her on the website that the hospital where she works has set up for patients in cancer care. I am trying now to update the photo links on my facebook page, and also to see what the young folks I know are saying. It is interesting to have so many nephews and nieces who are able to do facebook pages, and upload and download things, and say funny and sophisticated things online. I am not too worried about innuendos from the sexual and fantasy life, but I am worried about what is happening that may limit the educational opportunities and abilities to use their full interests and talents.
Andy, my elder son, is now 21 years old, and he is starting at school at the city college in Santa Monica. He is really excited to be going to school there, and my family is not far away. Andy really hasn't had the chance to get to know the cousins in the area, and it has been exciting for him to be down there. He also has his friend Maitland with him to help with music and the movie world interface. Andy wants to make films, and Maitland is a sound engineer, computer engineer, and a superb violinist. He is originally from Alabama. I want him to try out for the LA Philharmonic, because he can play the violin better than most people I have ever heard play it, and I think he would qualify for the orchestra. I am worried about Andy taking on more than he can manage, and it is a hard thing to know what that means. He has a lot of energy, and he is very intelligent and creative. But it is also true he is very unconventional, partly perhaps from growing up in Santa Cruz. My mom has been excited to have him around, even though he may be somewhat tiring!
I can say that nothing in my life gets me more worried and frantic than the worry about my children. When I was talking to my friend Tunie, she is just frantic to get out of the hospital and be with her husband and children. I had forgotten that they are now 17 and 15, and Madeline can drive. Matthew plays LaCrosse. All around me, my friends are turning into grandparents, and my mother is a great-grandmother. I feel so glad my son gets to have this chance to be around her and know her. She is truly an amazing person, and she has lived so much California history, as well as so much "civilization" and education. I was so happy to go down to visit in Camarillo, to see Andy, to see him there, and be delighted that he went to mass with me at St. Mary Magdalene's. He took photos of the windows in the chapel, which were made in Munich at the turn of the 20th century by F.X> Zettler. My great uncle Juan Camarillo built the chapel for his mother, the Martina Camarillo for whom I am named. It is so wonderful for Andy to be able to appreciate the family history, and to be able to really spend time with his grandmother in a more intimate way. It has also been great to have time with his cousins, Brian Fitz Gerald's boys, Michael and Patrick. It really feels like a whole new world to me, to hear that those boys have a band which is very popular in town, and that there is a possibility for them all to make music together, and to be friends.
When I was growing up, it felt like there was no room for me to stay home-- that I needed to go away to grow up into myself. I am really finding great joy in Andy being able to "come back" and discover those roots.

the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

This movie was great! It is a fascinating remake of the Dr. Faustus story, and I liked how they did it, using the mirror and fantasy worlds, and the string of truth going through it. Greg went with me, and he liked it, too. It is interesting to keep thinking about the devil, the deals with the devil, glamour, and the "Prince of Lies" concept. The imaginarium scenes are wonderful-- so many new cinematic techniques. And there is a sort of "Harry Potter" quality to the travelling gypsy caravan. One of the things I was most conscious of in Harry Potter was the way the parents of the enemy-at- school of Harry's-- Draco Malfoy-- want him to live and grow up and be ok. His mother ultimately is the one who betrays the dark lord, in order to try to save her son. The same thing comes out in this movie, that the one thing the father truly loves and wishes for is the life of his child. Also, it is interesting that the selling-out of the children's charity is by selling organs from destitute children, so that there is enough money for the charity organization. And too much ego! Today at mass, the Gospel was the passage about the marriage at Cana, and turning water into wine. Of course I thought of the Anne Rice book; and I love the whole thing, of Jesus' being sort of coerced by his mother to provide more wine for the guests. In contrast to the ego of the guy in the movie, Jesus doesn't want to have it known that he works this miracle. In the Anne Rice novel, there is a lovely touch, that the silent girl who is the bride's best friend is healed, in a private little miracle before Jesus slips away to go on to the rest of his ministry. One of my favorite things in our rituals is the baptismal promise-- "do you reject the glamour of evil and refuse to be mastered by it?" and again and again, I think we are overcome by the glamour, and fall in-- but at least we can recover our sense of rightness, and repent, and not allow ourselves to be mastered by it! This movie is a little taste of that question!

To the Mercury News,
daily paper in San Jose, CA:

The most difficult part of the health care reform issue is how much power the corporations will have. Instead of "government by the people and for the people" we have largely been subjected to increasing corporate power over the legislature, and the whole health care field. What many of us would most like to see is true reform, and "reining in" of corporate power. We have begun to understand more deeply that "the common good" for human life is NOT best served by feeding the corporations their daily profits.
Stem cells should be captured from each newborn baby in case of a disease that may warrant stem cell treatment later. The cost is too high for all parents to pay. Mental health coverage should be given to all people in our society who need it. If the congenital illnesses were covered automatically, and the mental health needs met in each community, our society would be so much better off. Corporations are not interested in healing people. They exist for profits. We need to vote them out of power!
Sincerely,
Martina Nicholson MD