Gay rights

 

SUNDAY, MAY 24, 2015

Gay rights

I have been thinking about what happened yesterday in Ireland, that same-sex marriage was made legal by a referendum with about 70% of the popular vote.  Finally, a safety of equality before the law, in at least one country,  for gay people!  For much of my life, I have loved gay men.  Several were the best friends I had, in my late teens through mid-30s.  Some tried desperately to not be gay.  One stopped short of a marriage to cover up being gay.  I have thought over and over about a friend of my mom's, who came home one day to find her husband in her bed with another man.  She had had 5 children with him, and thought it was a stable marriage, and it had lasted almost 20 years.  She was so devastated.  The church we grew up in was no help.  I have a friend who is a pastor in a Christian church, and we have discussed the issue of how human sexuality and gay rights have ripped the church's solidarity apart.  I still believe that the most important thing for pastoral care, in every Christian church, is to re-affirm consistently, and firmly, that God loves everyone.  God does not prefer straight to gay people.  God has a preference for the uniqueness and individual souls' relationship with the ineffable mystery, the divine,  which calls us forth.  God makes lilies of the field, and people, each perfect in our own ways, even though we see our flaws, our failings, often more clearly than we see our strengths.  I look forward to the day when all bad theology is thrown out, and we can be a safe-haven for everyone who needs to feel the love of God shining on them.
I wrote a poem this month, about this issue in my own life.  Although I am not gay, I have loved people who are.  And I want them to be safe.  I have also been thinking a lot about the issue of what safety in sexuality means, for women, for pregnancy, for relationships which lead to parenthood.  I want people to have relationships based on mutual respect and affection.  It frightens me to think that so many people have built relationships on being drunk and taking advantage of someone.  I am worried about date-rape, and variations of power over the partner, which have been talked about since Ibsen wrote "the Doll's House".   I think there are a lot of people who have never experienced the joy of consensual sex.  We need to work on teaching healthy sexuality, and healthy self-care, as the foundation for healthy relationships. 
Here is my poem, thinking about a very dear friend I have had since I was very young. 

"I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME LIKE YOU LOVED ME THEN"

I want you to love me like you loved me then; 

When we were 30,  at the opera, 

watching the last trio in Der Rosenkavalier;

you were holding my hand and we were caught in the passion,  

Our hearts in our throats, singing in silence with them, 

Breath for breath on rising notes of heartwrenching beauty, 

Joyful and overwhelmed, 

Aware that we really understood each other,

And even though you were gay, and I didn’t understand that,

You loved me in the way in which we loved the opera,

In the way we had brought ourselves through all that

growing up, together;  

Holding hands and knowing so many things we loved at the same time,

In our eagerness to love and understand all we could about the world,

All the art and music, and the tenderness and scent of silver roses,

waltzes in gilded rooms under glittering chandeliers,

and the past

We almost could touch with our fingertips; 

Sitting in the red plush velvet seats,

Watching the Marschallin give up to Sophie

The very love of love;  in the most graceful

And powerful flourish of generosity.

Quin-quin  singing the words of not understanding why

The fine gift she is giving makes her seem even greater, 

Even grander, as he turns from her to go to Sophie

And happily ever after—

While we are sitting there, holding hands tightly and not breathing,

and moving apart in the same way,

and almost for the same reason.  

mn 2015

finding balance in the abortion debates

Finding a balance in the abortion debates

by Martina Nicholson, MD

I am a retired Ob-Gyn, and a Catholic.  I majored in philosophy in college, and I have always had an intense interest in ethics.  I was trained to believe life is sacred, but I also watched my male college friends grapple with being sent to Viet Nam, for a war we did not believe was either reasonable or just; and at that time we grappled with "The Just War" arguments given to us, for consideration in trying to get an exemption for conscientious objection.  At the time, women were safe from the draft, so I did not personally have to consider being sent to fight in a war.   I also joined the Peace Corps right after college, and that also informed my sense of social justice.  The real limits of choices and moral distinctions for people,  due to poverty and unjust governments were very obvious to me, in my travels and life learning.

Since those early years, in which I was much more grounded in theory than in the problems of real life, I have come over and over to the problems in a crisis pregnancy, and what to do about it; what would be of best help to the particular woman, in this particular time.   I was often assisted in dealing with crisis in a particular woman’s pregnancy by a supportive family, but sometimes, no community of advocacy and support was available.  This is the greatest heartache, and for the woman who is pregnant, the greatest need.   Love should be the context for a new life.

We were taught in my philosophy classes,  to dislike the idea of modifying an ethical opinion for a particular situation.  "Situational ethics" seemed somehow wobbly and undependable.  I now think this is all that matters, to find the most ethical action in a particular person's situation, and to try to help that person carry it out.  I think sometimes it is helpful to use the popular question "What would Jesus do?"   We know that the only people Jesus condemned were the high priests and religious lawyers.  He said "You whited sepulchers, you impose a heavy burden you yourselves will not carry."  Everything Jesus did was based on love.  What he told us about the Father was all about love.  He did not bully anyone.  He said  "Abide in me, in my love, and the Father who loves me will come and abide with you, so that our love may be complete."  Every human action he did was stretching out to do something for someone, with love.

It seems incredible to me that theology treatises did not start with questions about who you are, what family and gender you belong to, and who you love.  And most of all, do you have a higher power, loving and gentle, giving you spiritual strength and support to help you?   To be told that you are not allowed to love the person you love, or that God doesn't want you to love that person, seems to me to be completely twisting the character of God out of all recognition from the one Jesus describes for us.  It destroys the internal radar of people who need to feel their Higher Power's guidance and support.   Motherhood is one of the ways we are called to grow much bigger than the self we are now... and we need help.  

And then there is history.  In Roman times, there were many virgin-martyrs.  This was not about sex, it was about the duty to the state, to have sons who would grow up to be Roman soldiers, to fight Rome's wars.  Women who refused to marry and be pregnant were considered traitors to the state, and went to their martyrdom.  The woman for whom I was named,  St. Martina, was one of these brave virgin-martyrs of the early church, around 300 AD.  They tried to burn her at the stake, but it rained.  They tried to get lions to tear her apart, but the lions sat down quietly.  So finally, they chopped off her head.  This gives poignance to the title of virgin-martyr.

So what I now think about the right of the state to protect the unborn is complicated with the question of the right of the state to send that child after it is reared, to be a soldier for the state.   Since Dorothy Day, I think there have been legitimate questions about whether ANY modern war can be considered a just war.  More and more, the wars we have fought are to get oil or natural resources away from a different country.  Many of our wars are to topple governments which actually were "the will of the people."  The story of Viet Nam, and the role of Ho Chi Minh after WWII is instructive.  And this foreign policy twisting goes down to what we are now doing in Venezuela.  And possibly the instigation of a war with Iran, which could quickly escalate to nuclear holocaust, if not the end of life on Earth.  All for reasons which have nothing to do with self-determination as a people.  

My belief is that the life in the womb is important, and that the woman who is becoming a  mother is also important.  She is not just a carrier, but a human being,  and her natural dignity and worth do not depend on motherhood.   Her talents, her desires for her own life, and the partner who helped to conceive this child also matter.  God has given her life, and her life also should not be devalued.   The life in the womb is organic, and grows to become a child.  Any limit, in any attempt to find a place that one's ethical rule can become categorically clear, is not possible, in this continuum, I believe.  It is not that it is a pre-child one minute, and a child the next minute.  God brings new human life into the world through women and pregnancy, but it is a continuum of growth and development.  So, trying to nurture and protect it seems reasonable and important, and part of our duty to God, as much as stewardship of the earth through being good gardeners and good farmers.  We have a saying in our field of obstetrics, based on data, that $1.00 in prenatal care saves $3.00 in pediatric care for premature or unhealthy babies.  

Medically, you cannot have an abortion after 24 weeks, because 24 weeks is the beginning of possibility of life outside the womb.  Before that, the lungs are not developed enough to hold air and pass oxygen to the blood.  Even if you try to put a tube into the infant’s airway to help it breathe, the lungs cannot fill yet.  This may be the source of some people’s concern that a very premature baby is “gasping for air” and the doctors are not trying to help save it.  The instinct to gasp for air is there, but the lungs are incompletely formed; they are more like liver tissue, than the honeycombs of lungs, with pockets for air.  It is like a butterfly being torn too soon from the chrysalis, and unable to fly.  There are stories of babies born below 24 weeks who make it through the months in the NICU to become capable of leaving the hospital.  Most of them probably have been wrongly dated in the length of their gestation.  Yes, miracles do happen, but they are very rare.   Another situation is when the fetus has no kidneys, so that it will not be able to live without dialysis all its life.  These fetuses often also do not have full lung capacity, and also may “gasp for air” as a reflex, even at later gestational ages,  but attempting to resuscitate them is usually unsuccessful.  Neonatologists are educated in fetal anomalies, and are aware, when a lethal anomaly is present, that it is not “life-enhancing” to try to give full resuscitative care.   Neonatologists are also now required to give parents a realistic assessment of the chance for the premature infant at this gestational age to be able to grow up, and become a child with full capacity.  The earlier the premature fetus is born, the higher the risk for lifelong disabilities, especially cognitive delays and impairments.  

Because of this, most hospitals which do not have a Tertiary level NICU will send the pregnant mother  with very premature impending deliveries, to the nearest center, before the delivery, if possible;  in order to give her the appropriate counseling, and to help the baby be born in the best center to treat extreme prematurity if it is viable.  

Recently there was a poll taken that 76% of Americans would like to see abortions limited to under 12 weeks.  The problem with this, medically, is that lethal anomalies may not be detected with ultrasound scanning,  until 18-20 weeks.  Such problems as anencephaly, or severe cardiac malformations, or absence of kidneys, may make the ongoing life of this fetus seem an unbearable burden to some mothers.   

Medically, also, a mother may develop a serious medical condition which threatens her own life.  Cardiac problems, severe kidney disease, or cancers are among the conditions which may make it necessary for a mother to consider termination of pregnancy.  In these cases, there are Ethics Committees in hospitals, where doctors and a team of people help to discern what is the best possible answer in keeping with the beliefs and concerns of the mother.  If a mother with a medical illness needs to terminate a pregnancy, her very life is at stake, and she must have the best possible medical care during and before and after this procedure.  The abortion must be done by one of the most skilled surgeons.  Problems with cardiac output and blood clotting disorders make the procedure even more dangerous, and if the mother does NOT have the procedure she also might die.  These women need to be given the best care we can give them, and often the heartbreak of losing a desired child is an added trauma.  

If a fetus is born before the 24th week, in most places with a sophisticated NICU, the parents are given the choice of comfort care.   When the preemie baby is born, the pediatric neonatologist determines clinically, whether there is potential for life-outside the womb, whether there is a chance for resuscitation to be successful.  If the mother has asked to “do all possible” and there is potential for viability, in a tertiary care NICU, this help will be given.  But if the fetus is insufficiently mature for the resuscitative efforts to be of any use, the parents will be counseled that comfort care is “the best thing to do.”

The baby is wrapped in warm blankets and given to the parents to hold.  Most physicians believe this is the least traumatic and best way to serve families with the difficult and painful loss of a very premature  infant.  

We have 60 years of data that millions and millions of women and couples have been able to successfully plan families and carry these families healthily, with smaller human families being the norm.  Being able to feed and clothe and house the family is a normal part of the duty and desire of parents.  Choosing how many children to have, and trying to choose what an optimal time is, for when to have children, is also a reasonable and wise part of stewardship of the gift of fertility.  We would not want farmers to ignore the weather and the needs of their land in planting crops.  We want our societies to be stable and our families to be sources of love and mutual support and care.  Using scientific technology and birth control methods which have been shown to be safe, effective and helpful for couples in planning families is sensible.  I have been waiting a long, long time for the reversal of the ban on contraception, by the Catholic Church, which has cruelly treated women and couples who have been prudent and modest in their desire to raise healthy families, by saying that the Church thinks it is sinful and implying that God doesn't love you if you are using birth control.   For some people it is impossible to see that this is a bullying position, not one which actually allows the freedom to the couple to choose what is best for them.  At least in theory, the Catholic ethical position is that God has given us freedom of choice.  We are to be allowed, (even encouraged!), to exercise our consciences, in living.   Jesus said "I came that you might have life, and have it more abundantly."  He did not say women had to have as many children as the body can bear.  He did not say that men have the right to rape women, or force women to carry more children.  It is interesting that Mary his mother, only had one child.  This is a model which is even more helpful now, as human population burgeons all over the planet.  

So, over time we have to keep asking ourselves, what the right answer is, about abortion, and why.  We are a political society and land of multicultural diversity.  We have laws which enshrine the belief that all people are equal and that we are a country based on the rule of law.  I think we have to understand that ethically,  in medicine, the primary priority is autonomy.  In political society, I believe the proper ethical role of the church in our country is in moral suasion, rather than forcing or bullying women to carry children.  And that leaves us with what should be legal.  I believe abortion should be legal.  I believe we need to protect the physician's right, to not do abortions, and to do them, without legal sanctions, or criminalizing either the doctor or the patient.   There is no middle ground ethically, to reconcile people who think pregnancy is sacred,  with people who think the right of the woman over her own body is sacrosanct.   I believe we have to let women choose whether to continue a pregnancy.  We can try to persuade a woman that it would be better to carry this child, and we can try to make it more bearable for her by helping her with the other corporal needs;  housing, food, safety, healthcare,  the means to exist as a parent, and also in dealing with possibly violent or cruel people who surround her.  

Our proper role is to help women grow into mothers, by supporting them emotionally and spiritually, as they take on this task.  No woman feels completely ready or capable of becoming a good parent, her self-doubt can be excruciating.  And helping the women with their needs in pregnancy is the proper role of the family and community.  The community becomes even more important when the family cannot meet the woman’s real needs.  

If you ask “Who is the advocate for the unborn child?” it is the family, the community, the people surrounding the pregnant mother.  The natural best advocate would be the father.  But some men do not take the role of fathering as a sacred trust.  Others are incapable.  So the community becomes the support for the woman in a crisis pregnancy.  This is NOT the state.  It is more variable, more fragile.  But it is REAL, and it understands that a child will need more support and advocacy as he or she grows.  For someone to insist that the state take on that role is unrealistic, I think.  

The highest amount of domestic violence is aimed at vulnerable pregnant women.   Many women seek abortions because of rape, or incest, or partners who are violent or addicted to substances which make their behavior cruel, life-threatening, and unpredictable.  Women want to be able, when bringing a child into the world, if possible, to give the child a stable home.  We should applaud this instinct in women, instead of condemning it.  For some women, their own parents and family can provide that safety and home, allowing her to get on with her life as a single mother.  Some women are dynamic and courageous enough to work through all the vulnerabilities of being a single mother with almost no social support.  But not all women have that ability and strength.  If the society and the church community wish to be of service for women in crisis pregnancy, they will be more creative, finding ways to support pregnant women with housing and safety and medical care.  The mandate for the Christian community is TO LOVE.  We love each other by providing for the needs of each other.   The society at large also DOES have a stake in the healthy raising of children.  We now have 20-25% of children being raised below the poverty line, often in unsafe housing and unsafe situations.  This is compounded for mothers who themselves are afflicted with mental illness or addiction.  And it is severely complicated with fathers who are violent, drug-addicted, locked up in prison and so unable to be helpful in real time to the mothers and children, and also in social situations of unsafe housing and communities without adequate safety for children and families.  The USA is now considered one of the top 10 places in the world for violence against women to occur.  Women and children refugees and homeless people needing shelter are even more vulnerable to violence; abuse, rape,  torture, human trafficking, and death.  

In the long run, I believe we will do the best we can with the difficulties of crisis pregnancies if we confine the actions of the Christian community to trying to LOVE instead of bullying women.  And in our national laws, we will do best by protecting the women's right to pregnancy terminations.  As medicine evolves, new methods and more effective methods of family planning have come and will keep coming, and we should do our utmost as a society to make these methods available for all women to use and to choose.  By giving women and couples the right to decide what is best for their own families, we put family life on the surest footing.   

In the rest of the world, and before the advent of modern contraception, the only real means to solve overpopulation were war, famine and plague.  But now we have medically safe and prudent ways to help families, to help make childbearing and child-rearing the best it can be, in spite of all the difficulties, risks,  and uncertainties of modern life.    For those who think this is not pro-life, I say that we also allow capital punishment and killing in war, in spite of the 5th commandment, which has no sub-clauses.   God knows the amount of slaughter going on in the world, and how many millions of children die of hunger, malnutrition and curable diseases due to lack of access to medical care.  What we should be striving for is TO LOVE.  Jesus' mandate, and his message was pretty clear-- "this is how people will know you are mine, that you LOVE ONE ANOTHER."

books of poetry

I am excited that now all my books are on the Kindle/Amazon site.  Although I would rather someone had the "real" book to read,  at least they are now accessible. 
I am also glad to be still working toward getting up to speed with the blog and the webpage, although I am not there yet.  The new blog is martina2u@ wordpress.com.  It seems to have the same problem as this one, for trying to give an address.  I am thinking about what I need for a website.  Since it is not really something which I consider a commercial venture, it is hard to know what works best. 
I have been thinking about making a book of the "flowers photos" from Filoli, and adding poems for them.
For anyone who wants the new book of poems, "Melody, memory and Silence,"  you can send $12 to me at po box 890. Soquel Ca 95073.  I will mail you the latest book.  You can have the previous 5 books for $6 each, which is $30 for all of them. 

Protecting the pregnant woman's life: concerns about laws which would not protect the attempt to save the life of the mother

by Martina Nicholson, MD, FACOG:
I have always felt that my vocation was to try to stop women from bleeding to death, in childbirth. The biggest cause of loss of mothers is hemorrhage. Placentas which do not come off the wall of the uterus, called "placenta accreta", or placentas which are placed over the cervix obstructing the path for birth of the baby, called "placenta previa" are the biggest causes of this maternal mortality. But there are also issues of what used to be called Toxemia, where the pregnancy becomes toxic to the body of the mother, with high risk of stroke, heart attack, blindness and blood clots or hemorrhage. Mothers need to be protected when their lives are at stake. Often there are other children at home, and other family members to whom these women are precious and sacred, in their role as mother. In Obstetrics there must be priority made for the life of the mother. We can not allow a law which excludes from consideration the life of the mother. Doctors and patients in these life-threatening situations must be given the right and the scope, legally, to do what is best in a given rare situation. Many factors may affect the answer of what to do, but politicians should never be allowed to outweigh the medical decision-making.
I am going to add to this by trying to defend doctors. We are speaking about the LAW. Moral authority and religious fervor about personal behavior, and the exhortation to live up to the gift and the grace of pregnancy are a different issue. I feel very strongly that it does not serve us to be blindly pious in our attachment to the sacredness of pregnancy. We have to be realistic when considering the LAW. We can have ideals and goals and moral support and courage for people doing hard things, but we should not criminalize something that you and I know is a hard decision made by layers and layers of scientific and historical knowledge of what to do in rare complications. We need the LAW to be clearly backing up the medical decision-making. And I will add that the protection of the specialists who can do a medical procedure for a person who is in advanced heart failure or kidney failure, or leukemia, not responding to treatment, should be carefully protected and respected for their medical skill. NO woman will ever be forced to have an abortion, and many will choose their own death, rather than undergo what they consider to be killing their own child. But we have to protect the right to life of the mother, and the medical decision-making to try to give mothers that fundamental help.

Contraception, and the problem of Natural Law

a reflection about contraception and the concept of "Natural Law": by Martina Nicholson MD. 
I love the theology of my faith, but I have borne with the doctrine about contraception for almost half a century, out of respect for the pastoral concern that marriages be meaningful and supported, and that the blessing of children be recognized as one of the most important gifts of a benevolent God. But lately, I am beginning to come to the opinion that we have to accept that God is infinitely creative and immensely provident, in the ways of Creation. I think that the concept of "Natural Law" on which this doctrine is built, is too narrowly understood. The plethora of ways to BE in nature show us that just like in every other field of medicine, this area of sex and relationships should be governed by our minds, our cooperative intelligence, and our understanding of how we as individuals, couples, and families fit into the society and world around us. We must accept and use modern medical technology for problem-solving, and for dealing with issues which are the everyday concerns in our world. I learned something important from watching the movie about RBG (ON THE BASIS OF SEX). We can hope for better solutions, and we must apply them, using the skill and intelligence of the age, and we should also notice when progress in civilization has occurred. We have had 50 years to see that contraception not only works, but it has beneficial side-effects, like lowering the rates of cancer of the uterus and ovary. We also have had that same amount of time to see whether these tools can be used to strengthen and help real families in forming good family lives. The data shows clearly that the answer is yes. So we need to accept this, and HELP more women to get access to medical technology and care, and also to be educated to use the talents and strengths each woman has been given. The data coming from the Netherlands help us see that young women can be wise and sensible, and that the prevention of unintended pregnancy is reasonable and possible if we use the medical technological expertise at our disposal. I have had a lot of experience in helping women through pregnancy, and through the process of raising children. I do not believe that contraception has destabilized marriage. The strains and stresses we see in marriages are most often about the needs of the family for decent wages, housing, pensions, healthcare and education. Emotional immaturity and various addictions are also a big factor in the breakups of marriages. Recently I read an article which spoke about the serious problem of young men spending huge amounts of time watching pornography, since it is so available in cyberspace. This also is a big factor in destabilizing relationships, by teaching young men to think of women as sex objects instead of creative and intelligent subjects and potential partners. Tonight I was watching the film about the life of John Adams. There was a moment when he had to decide where he believed the law was most truly embodied, and he courageously decided to become an American, instead of remaining a loyal subject of the English king. This also was a teaching moment for me.

New Year's Eve Interfaith service and prayer for peace, 2018, Santa Cruz

Peace

The wonderful interfaith service in Santa Cruz for this year was presided over by Rev. Beverly Brook from the United Church of Christ, who is a chaplain at the local jails.  She told a very poignant story of a young man who is incarcerated, wanting to thank her for the only peace he gets, in his life in prison.  When she comes to sit and pray with him, the chaos and noise around him fall into the background, and he can feel peace.  I was very moved by her witness to this need for peace in a place and a person which is starving for it. 
The hall at Holy Cross church is a lovely space, and it was lit with magical little lights;  and the big candles, lined up for the ritual of each pastor lighting a candle, was like a set of Hannukah candles.  We all said the prayer of St. Francis together, which begins "Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace...".  We said Namaste to our neighbors, and also Shalom in an Arabic Muslim greeting.  There was a canvas labyrinth spread out on the floor to one side, and we were encouraged to walk it, if we were moved to do so.  I have loved the labyrinth, and when I am in it, I feel like I am in the mystical rose, at the heart of space and time.  In every way, it mirrors and magnifies our earthly pilgrimage, and our twistings and turnings toward and away from our neighbors and families.  I have not been looking forward to the year ahead, and this pilgrimage into the labyrinth has given me more hope, more recognition that the ways of the Lord are far above our own ways, and that infinite creativity is the province of God, and making all things new is  God's delight, as the universe moves toward the future, drawn by that infinite source. 
There was a Hindu scriptural reference from the Vedas, and a song calling and responding to God, which starts with "I am Thine".  In between each pastoral presentation, there was a gong-bell, to call us to silent prayer, peacefully being in the presence of our neighbors, wishing for peace.  The Jewish song was "Spread over us wings of peace, Wings of peace, shalom".  The person Mountain Eagle, who was also present at the 2012 service, spoke movingly about the human family, calling us to be closer to our brothers and sisters and to the earth.  He is working with another brother from Standing Rock, and a Mayan time-keeper, weaving dream catchers which are huge 40 foot meditation domes, and the plan is to build them all over the world, working together to imagine a new human family future.  His song was also very beautiful, and we sang along.  His voice reminded me of Johnny Cash,  full and beautiful and strong.   The Baha'i prayer was lovely, and also the Buddhist chant from the Zen center, which contained the hope that all beings be free of suffering, and that we all be in right relationship. The pastor of Holy Cross church gave a small talk about the use of repetitive prayers, and the origin and use of the rosary.   He also invited everyone to the mass following the service.  Although it was not explicitly about peace, it was an attempt to offer a tool for going deeper into that meditative state in which peace flows from the heart and soul into the daily life of the prayerful person.  His song about Mary's open-heartedness was also lovely. 
What is most amazing to me about this event is the respectful generous listening and witness to each other's traditions and faith.  No one is trying to convert anyone or argue about dogma.  We are all simply trying to extend ourselves in good will to our neighbors, and to be in right relationship to the Holy.  As we were called deeper into contemplative silence, in between the presentations, it truly felt that we were in solidarity and peace, with minds quieted and sweetened by love of God.  I think it is a true miracle, that this event can exist, in our difficult and loud and clashing cultural surrounding.   I am grateful to Sylvia Deck, who helped make it possible, because the "sangha" which has been an anchor of Holy Cross's meditation and prayer life for 2 decades is the underlying impetus for the event.  I am grateful for the good will of many people of faith traditions, who might have found an excuse NOT to come and participate, but made the effort, and came to the event in generosity and willingness to pray for peace together. 

Theology and Relationships

Theology and relationships

I am not sure what exactly the focus of the big meeting planned for February 2019 at the Vatican will be, but I hope that there is actually a forum and quorum for the issues of relationships as evolving and dynamic, and not static.   We need to have language which articulates respect for each person, and that people are never to be treated as an object. 

Most of the theology of sex and sin when we were young centered on single acts, not on relationships.  For more than 40 years, we have had theologians who are Teilhardians in the assessment of progress of human culture and well-being.  We have been able to discuss the theology of marriage, and of good theology in general, as a deepening conscious integration of the love of God, and the knowledge that goes with that love of God.  Thus, the issues of honesty, vulnerability, respect, compassion, tenderness, humor, caring, generous listening, accountability, forgiveness, boundaries, self-esteem, etc, which were never covered in discussions about moral theology in the past, are now at the forefront of  how we should be able to form good healthy relationships in safety with other people— not just sexual intimacy but emotionally satisfying friendships, spousal relationships which mature over time, parent-child relationships which also mature over time,  and other kinds of interactions which may contain emotional, spiritual and physical components of intimacy. 

I think it is a good time for us as a church to retire the wrong thinking which got embodied in the encyclical “Humanae Vitae” as a proscription against birth control.  Sensible family planning decisions need to be left to the conscience of the couple, as they plan their lives and take on the burdens of parenthood.  I think we need to address how to include gay people in a respectful way, which recognizes that sex is part of intimacy and love relationships of many kinds.  We need to have informed theology which leans on modern psychology and the best spiritual guidance about being a healthy human being.  We need to aim at protecting people from STDs and traumatic side-effects of having a sexual event which is disrespectful and not loving, such as incest, rape, abuse of a minor, sexual assault, etc.  We need strong proscriptions against sex trafficking, and concerted efforts all over the world to provide shelter for people who are at risk for this modern slavery.  I believe this is actually something our Church should be doing. 

  

I certainly hope that international agreement will happen in making sure there are always 2 adults when children are present, to lessen the risk of a child being injured or taken advantage of in any way.  We need to have strict protocols in place, to protect children from sexual predators.  We also need to do ongoing surveillance and rigorous assessment to keep pedophiles from having access to children;  and to protecting our schools and parishes, with reasonable oversight of committees which include laypeople and parents.  Since sexual assault is a crime, we also need to be sure that predators go to jail, and are not promoted or hidden within the church. We need to have  full cooperation with the law and the police. 

We also need to have  credible pastors, who are attempting to live their own vows in a healthy and humble way.  For this reason, I am even more hopeful that we will now move to have the clergy have the option of marriage, and also that women will be given a wider role in pastoral care.  

Maybe this time, in which my friend Tim’s daughter Katie has embarked on the vocation of becoming a Poor Clare, can be a time of great growth in the Church, equivalent to when Galileo said that the movement in the heavens is such  that the earth rotates around the sun.  

Anna Karenina

Every 10 years or so, I re-read my favorite book, by Tolstoy.  It was written in 1877, and that is an amazing thing; that it was around the time of our Civil War, and the advent of expansion of railroads across the continent, and also mirrored the expansion of railroads across Russia.  Tolstoy's amazing skill at writing this book remains, in my estimation, without parallel. 
In my 20s, I loved the book, envied and admired Kitty, and wanted to find a spouse like Lewin.  In my 30s, I was absorbed with the worries about the scope of women's lives, and especially about women like Dolly, with several children and a husband who was both a spendthrift and chronically unfaithful.  In my 40s, I loved the passion in the love affair between Anna and Vronsky, but also I began to consider the change in the relationship to the land and the way the peasants were affected with the advent of railroads, and the thought that the book preceded the Russian revolution by at least 30 years, while they grappled with how to become a more effective government.  I had sympathy for Alexis Karenin.
In my 50's I could really feel like I understood all the characters, and what affected me most was the death of Lewin's brother Nicholas, of Tuberculosis, also called Consumption.  Almost no Americans have ever seen anyone dying of TB, but I have.  Because of my time in the Peace Corps, and travels, I deeply identified with Kitty trying to help this bitter dying brother of her husband's.  I admired Varenka, who is a prototype for women in medicine who are skilled and practical, and self-effacing, and very good at helping solve problems for patients. 
Now I am in my 60's, and my dislike of Vronsky has washed away, and I pity him, and admire that he built a modern hospital in his district, and tried to become an effective member of the political arm of the landlords, as he was also trying to become a good steward in managing his estate.  And I come to the book now with so much more admiration for the mind of Tolstoy, who could describe Anna's thoughts so clearly, as she descends into the hell of her self-obsessed, isolated, emotionally feverish attempt to hold Vronsky with her attachment, without any social ballast.   I admire his ability to describe the mind of a morphine addict.  I admire his ability to show the enormous 2-faced social miasma around Anna, and how it contributed to her suicide. 
There are many things in the book which bring big questions for reflection-- about how to educate people, what to do about governmental systems so that they are effective instead of burdensome tangles, the differences in the classes which Tolstoy presents so clearly, and we have not eliminated, although it is hard to speak truly about what we DO have, and the economic burdens of consolidated power and money in a shrinking upper class.  And there is Lewin's joy in working in the fields with his scythe, just for physical joy; and his hunting, and his attempt to be a better steward and make worthwhile improvements in the farming of his estate.  I LOVE this book.  If you haven't read it, I really recommend it, and I also love the audiobook format.  My eyes get tired now, and listening to it also is a pleasure. 

Angels in America: reflections

Gratitude!
I trained in obstetrics and gynecology in Brooklyn NY.  I began my residency in 1983 and finished in 1987.  I was in Brooklyn when young men who were previously in the peak of health began dying of a mysterious disease which attacked their immune systems, produced Kaposi's Sarcomas on their skin, gave them terrible oral candidiasis, chronic diarrhea, ulcerated mucosal membranes, herpes blisters, genital warts, and Pneumocystis Carinii pneumonia.  Then there were atypical viral meningitis cases.  There were also some women coming down with these symptoms.  Immunodeficiency.  AIDS.  HIV.  People would hear the answer to their blood tests, and some would commit suicide.  Some went home to die.  No one was certain what else could be done to mitigate this plague.
When I was in internship and residency, it was required that we put an i.v. into every woman in labor, before the baby came, to be able to treat quickly any postpartum hemorrhage or other crisis.  We had a little machine in Labor and Delivery to be able to spin a hematocrit, to know if the patient was already anemic before delivery, to be prepared even better for meeting the crisis that might kill her.  Some of the women in my neighborhood, especially Orthodox Jewish women, were having a dozen children, having been instilled with the hope that they could help replace children for so many relatives lost in the Holocaust.  These women were very anemic and often exhausted, and at great risk of hemorrhage after delivery, as the uterus may not close down well when it is tired.  Some of the women in my area were from one of the many sub-cultures in Brooklyn, and some were drug addicts.  Putting an iv into the arm of a pregnant woman who is writhing and wiggling with the pain of labor is not always an easy task.  The risk of non-cooperation or panic is inadvertent fingerstick contamination of the person starting the iv.  All during my career, there were advances being made to make this less risky, but in the beginning, we all were moving very fast, and often didn't put gloves on, to get the iv going, as delivery was imminent, and we needed to get the patient ready, and the hematocrit had to be on the chart. 
And so, gratitude:  because when I got to California, my HIV test was negative.  Otherwise I couldn't have even gotten a job in my field, or had my career at all. 
     I have been watching the movie "Angels in America".  I guess it came out in 2003, but I was working, and never saw it.  I wanted to see it, and I read the reviews, but until today, I had not gotten to see either the play or the movie.  I am riveted, deeply riven, by what I remember from my time in Brooklyn, from the death of young and beautiful men, from the bewilderment of mothers like Mrs. Pitts, and from the kind of guy Roy Cohn was.  It is an amazing thing to me that Tony Kushner wrote that play, and centered it in 1986.  It is an amazing thing about faith, about how we consider time, and what we think about all the shadowy things in complex places like New York.  About 2 years ago I read the book by Abraham Verghese, "My Own Country".  He was an Infectious Disease specialist, trained in NY at the same time, and went to Tennessee.  His book is about the beautiful young men who went home to die, in Appalachia.  Yes, there were some medications, like AZT, which helped keep some of the young men alive, and helped raise their T cell counts enough to keep them from contracting every damned infection we could name, as well as several new ones.  Every day and every week there were funerals, and people were talking about miracle cures, and what adjunctive supplements might help your immune system to stay strong. 
     One of my best friends in college and afterwards was gay.  He was very fluent in German, and was in Heidelberg during the beginning of the AIDS epidemic, and by the time he came back to the US, there was more information, more prudence, more ways to help.  But still, he watched and help many friends die, and one of our mutual friends went blind before he died, a terrible thing for a librarian who loved beautiful books. 
     There is so much I did not understand about the whole epidemic, even as a doctor.  And it was quintessentially male, in some ways;  the attention to it, the men who rose to the challenge in medicine to try to stop the wild fire it was;  the complexity of the immune system.  One of my women friends was a lab tech at UCSF, and she was one of the first who saw the cells in the lab, the blood work, the problem;  working with hematologists at the vanguard of the medical front to treat, to deal with, to attempt to find a vaccine.  Luckily, she also did not get stuck, she is alive, like me. 
     Watching the movie was amazing, and there is that weird and wonderful coincidence of Joe's being a Mormon, and the kookiness of the angel appearing even to his mom.   There is the self-defeating oddity of Joe's wife, very much like most women who find out they are married to a gay man, and can't get past the excoriating feeling that somehow it was all their fault, and the basic terrible unhappiness and sadness, tension, anxiety, despair.  I was glad she got out.
     And there is Roy Cohn, the epitome of cynicism and mean and nasty use of power.  What a tour de force by Al Pacino.  Wow, that is acting!   And also Meryl Streep.  I loved her playing Ethel Rosenberg, and I really loved her helping Lou remember the words for the Shema.  But my favorite character was Belize;  such a complex character, and with great sweetness and compassion, even as he is hemmed-in by cynicism and very difficult realities. 
All in all, a fabulous movie, and deserving the accolades it got. 
A powerful story, with powerful characters, and of course, since I like angels, it was interesting to see the struggle with the angel, and the whole dilemma of prophecy, the uncertainty about what it means.  I love those big wings, and the hallucinatory experience of the heavenly committee. 

Heuristic structures in knowledge

My friend Thomas Ball, the filmmaker, has posted another fabulous reflection on his blog, at Telos productions;  which was previously called "The diary of a filmmaker".   I have loved his essays over the years, on art;  and what art means for us.  This month's reflection is about the Venice Biennale, and the show on the time between the world wars, as fascism intensified, and what that futuristic cultural context was, both in history and art, and how they interacted. 
One of the things Tom quoted was a discussion of the meaning of heuristics.  When I was in college, I majored in philosophy.  My metaphysics professor had us learn from the book "Insight" by Bernard Lonergan, SJ.  Lonergan was interested in the way we know, in the structure of knowledge and shared thinking in scientific endeavors.  He wrote a LOT about heuristic structures of knowing.  SO here is my posting to Tom's blog on this issue:
"I also have to say something about the word “Heuristic”. It warms the cockles of my heart, as it is a very important word in philosophy. You probably remember that I majored in philosophy! I was taught in metaphysics, that the stuff of knowledge fits into heuristic structures of thought, much as we fit things into boxes for mailing, or for packaging something. A heuristic structure in philosophy is something like a steel girder skeleton of a skyscraper– you are going to fill it with the rest of the building, with the details and the actual stuff, but you need this scaffold to begin with. The scaffold in thinking is the outline or the container of such information, and how it fits together with other information. For example, we could say that knowledge is sort of like a castle, with lots of turrets and rooms, and occasionally a whole wing gets redone, when it seems it is too narrow or too dark, or a whole new idea comes about. (for example, when physics was grappling with what Einstein said, which shifted us away from Newtonian physics. We acknowledge that we started with Newtonian physics, but we have this second or third floor, where a more sophisticated model exists, and where finer tuning for what is real can be done by scientists working at the edges of knowledge in this field. We have to use the materials we know, and we have to build on what has come before. Kant worked to try to explain categories of thought such as gravity, weight, space and time, sequence, coherence; ways we can describe scientific processes so that something can be checked for accuracy, or taught to someone else. How can we agree on what the scaffolding IS, for thinking and for exploring new theories or new data, finding new answers to our endless questions and with our ever-present curiosity? This is the issue of heuristics. Lonergan said that we are constantly expanding knowledge at the border of the known, with heuristic structures which are needing to be filled in. This also has to do with process, with evolution, with finding the boundaries of the known and then exploring something experimental beyond that. Thanks for sharing that word, which has so much philosophical nuance attached to it!"

Patience, way and pace, rhythm; Singing the Psalms

The Benedictine monks in the Monastery on Big Sur have been teaching me something about pace: peace, pax, pace.  Singing with them, trying to follow the plainsong melody and rhythm, singing psalms which are maybe 3-4,000 years old, singing in the rhythm of the peaceful and prayerful day.  Vigils at 5:15, Lauds at 7 am, Mass at midday,  and vespers in the evening, provide a structure of a day which mirrors the seasons, allows work and rest, contemplation and action.  At night, the stars encrust the heavens, and they are there in the daytime too, but the sunshine hides them.  The ocean with the whales moving north, the whitecaps on the windy afternoon, is also a lullabye.  They are teaching me the time-honored patience in the rhythm of a peaceful day.  My impatience is carefully folded into the singing, into trying to stay in tune and in the pace of the verses.

Perhaps some would rather hurry, go faster, be like the hare in the fable of Aesop, the hare that runs, then dawdles, not plodding along steadily like the tortoise.  In the music there are whole notes, half-notes, quarter notes and eighth notes, up and down the scales.  i get it now that these singing lessons are an invitation to stability and sustainability, gently pulling us along by melody and rhythm, and praise and thanksgiving, until we are capable of tilling our own fields and living our own days in a reasonable pattern.  

I have been reading the AA big book through this weekend, and understanding more about the drowning, the fear of suicide, the desperation to quit when one cannot quit drinking.  Last weekend I went to the NAMI-California meeting, to discuss and go deeper in understanding the problems of the mentally ill.  Failure, loss, violence, madness, inability to trust in the Lord’s goodness, generations of cruelty, neglect and a belief in a violent God.  How do we come to see and fill the gaping holes in consciousness from bad parenting, bad training?  How can we begin to heal these deep, deep wounds?  

I   think of the plagues in Europe, the death of almost everyone, starting over again, and reinventing civilization.  I think of Julian, the anchoress saying “All shall be well” from her tiny cell cemented to the wall of the abbey in Norwich, while the plague decimated the town around her.  

Today’s was my favorite reading from the Gospel of John, the empty tomb—- Magdalene sees, and calls Peter and John to come.  The clear particular details, the binding cloth for his head folded and left on a bench nearby, not with the rest of the burial cloths.  (We will not worship a pile of stones;  the monument is empty— He is risen!)

(I want a painting of Mary Magdalene’s face, looking at the risen Lord.)

The only way the pace makes sense is that the cosmos is held in a loving embrace of God, that we are moving toward the Eschaton as Teilhard de Chardin said, not in the way of a football goal post, but with the imprint of the goal in our DNA, in our souls.  As we grow in all of evolution, as human evolution takes hold, we move toward the goal expressing itself within us as our deepest yearning.  

There is a way and pace which leads to life more abundantly;  succeeding in blooming, not burnt out or failed to bring forth fruit.  This rhythm must be in community, not in private.  This singing, this plainsong, teaches the lessons of community effort.  I try to stay in the rhythm, and on the right page, and in the right key, my voice rising and falling with those who know better and are more skilled at this melody.  My voice is channelled between their voices, and we are harmonic in our praise.   This is my lesson in patience, matching breath and tone and words to the psalms, to the melodies, to the holidays, the solemnities and the stories from the communion of saints.  Love, respect, generous listening, communion!  And in our end is our beginning.  

Patience is one of the fruits of the Spirit, but also there are the others: peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, love and joy.  We must seek to understand and also to forgive, to tolerate the flaws in each other, to look more to our own, trying to sing “in key” and to encourage each other to sing with more joy and less self-consciousness, so that all things work together for good. 

Viktor Frankl said “All the freedom in the world lies between stimulus and response”.  We are free to be silent, and we are free to sing.  In singing, we grow to be a choir together! 

This cruciform pattern of life, of seasons, of the resurrection; new life, the whales heading north playing in the bay, the baby birds learning to sing and to fly, the wildflowers blooming in the cliffs, all creation in labor to bring forth new life!  Alleluia! 

Malpractice lawsuits

I believe one of the most damaging things about these lawsuits,  is that they use our finely tuned consciences and our self-doubt against us. We need to be resilient, but not hardened. We need to CARE about our patients, not become hardened and suspicious and angered by their needs. We need to take risks to be able to solve their healthcare needs, sometimes we are uncertain, which is the actual real part of practicing medicine which doesn't exist in the coding system. Gauging uncertainty and probability are the art of differential diagnosis. Patients respond differently to treatments. We need to keep having that tensile strength, and trust in our instincts and our medical acumen. Get help with counseling, to trust yourself and believe in yourself. We cannot control the outcome, we can only do our best to offer good care.

Nonviolence

We need to recognize that the word "nonviolence" was only invented in the 60s. It followed on Ghandi and Martin Luther King's work, when they began to link all kinds of oppression to bullying and violence. Considering history, we have made a lot of progress, in recognizing that we do not have to behave this way, that we can learn to use tools of nonviolent conflict resolution. But we HAVE to use them, and we have a whole world to protect. We need DIPLOMACY NOW. We need real and muscled effort in the State department. We need to actually get people to see that we MUST start to dismantle nuclear weapons, as Daniel Ellsberg is now saying in his new book. Nuclear winter is the outcome of any nuclear war. The planet will not be able to produce food, and people will starve to death. MOST of the people on the planet. We have to try to prevent that.

Pope Mary Magdalene the First

Monday, April 13, 2009
An apocalyptic vision-- of the first female pope! 
I was driving down through the green hills and valleys of California to see my mom for Easter, and a lovely vision came to me, which seemed like a potentially possible future; no less potential than the Book of Revelations' vision of all the events of the hallucinatory "rapture". The vision unfolded quite fully in my mind, and a rosy picture it was, which made me smile; and if it comes to pass when I am alive and still able to get up and dance, I will dance, like David danced with the Ark of the Covenant!

The newspapers and magazine articles' story goes like this:
POPE MARY MAGDALENE I!
The first woman elected to the papacy by the college of Cardinals in Rome has taken the name Pope Mary Magdalene I. She was highly favored to be a winner, but after 2,000 plus years of male-only papacies, it seemed almost inconceivable that she would actually be voted into office. Her closest friends in the college of cardinals, known affectionately as the "Tres Teresas" or the 3Ts, Terese of Lisieux, the French-speaking cardinal of Singapore, Teresa of Avila, cardinal from Southern Argentina, and Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, cardinal from Northern Germany had spoken very highly of her administrative skills, communication skills, and holiness.
"She is a very charismatic person", Teresa Bendedicta said, and "will be a great asset in helping to form more cohesive Catholic communities around the world."
Pope Mary Magdalene I has said that she will continue to wear the habit of her order, the Daughters of Charity formed by Mother Teresa of Calcutta, with the wide blue band along the rim of the white veil and sari-gown. She will walk barefoot to the throne of Peter, as a reminder of the vows of poverty taken by the sisters in her order.
One of the male cardinals who was said to be very much in opposition to the election of a woman, however holy, to the papacy, has said that he now will attend the consecration and Mass, because it came to him in a dream that "divine love conquers all". Most of the male cardinals seemed genuinely gracious and pleased, as they believe the election of a woman is a long-awaited fulfillment of the Gospel promise that we are all children of the living God, and brothers and sisters in Christ. Cardinal Bernard of Clairvaux, the head of the Benedictine order, was especially clear that this follows what St. Paul said in the epistle to the Galatians, that we were baptised into Christ, and "there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free person, male nor female, for we are all one in Christ".
Both the Italian Cardinals, Ignatius and Dominic were won over by the sensible and kind behavior of the new pope. They were both impressed with her preaching, and her life of service to the poor.
The first promulgation from Pope Mary Magdalene was to ask each archdiocese to have a local site for pilgrimages within each archdiocese, where a representation of "the empty tomb" should be displayed. "Every Catholic Christian should have an opportunity to make a pilgrimage to a place which reminds us of this fundamental miracle of our faith; and of the importance of Easter, which makes us people of the Resurrection" she said.
She has also asked the College of Cardinals to promote ways to be better stewards of the earth as part of the duty of Christians, and to make plans to increase the ecologically sound practices of growing vegetables and fruits within each archdiocese especially for the needs of the poor and the sick; and wherever feasible to convert the church buildings to wind- and water- and solar-powered energy sources.
Sister Misericordia of the Franciscan Sisters of the Poor in South China was in enthusiastic admiration of the idea of growing food within the purview of the church properties-- as this gives a good role model for secular organizations to follow.
All over the world, women rejoiced, as this brings a new feeling of equality and shared stewardship in God's creation and in the full expression of holiness within the lives of women. The "Tres Teresas" have also said that this will help ensure the full protection of children within the offices and functions of the Catholic church, as Pope MMI is dedicated to protecting all children from abuse and exploitation through better policies and enforcement of existing regulations.

Finding Meaning in Medicine

More than ever, I now want to get the attending physicians to understand that there is an ongoing way to do this reinforcement of our medical vocation. It is called Finding Meaning in Medicine. There are small groups of doctors who get together once a month, to explore a topic such as "mystery and awe in medicine". Each one must bring a story or a poem to share, from their work, to give to the group. Sharing on this level helps us drop down into a truly-meaningful conversation, not surface chit-chat. It is really important to build these groups into medical communities.

More information is available at the Remen Institute for the Study of Health and Illness, at Wright State University Boonshoft School of Medicine. 

Steps Six and Seven in the 12 Steps

A meditation on Steps 6 and 7

"All the freedom in the world lies between stimulus and response”.  Elie Wiesel

I have been really concentrating for the past few months on steps 6 and 7 of the 12 Steps.  We have been promised a transformation, if we follow these steps.    

6.  “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

7.  “Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.” 

I understand that these shortcomings and defects of character probably are not eliminated, but simply removed over to another place for awhile, from which they often creep back to us again.  But the hope is to have them removed, and continue to ask the Higher Power to please keep on the alert for these defects of character, and please keep removing them.  

  

So I have two big defects of character which are common to many of us who follow the 12 Steps: resentment and self-pity.

I think it is good to  try to change self-pity to self-acceptance and then move toward compassion.

I think it is good to try to change resentment into consciousness of abundance, and then move toward gratitude.  

I read a line recently which I loved, which says “How can God correct my steps, if I am not taking any?”

Recently there was a book about the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu, talking about JOY.  They both said that  two main pillars of joy are gratitude and compassion.  I want to move myself toward gratitude, and compassion, and toward JOY.  I want to move away from self-pity and resentment, because they block my ability to feel JOY.   

So how does that look?  Changing one’s self-pity means first recognizing that our suffering exists in a sea of other people also suffering, and trying to link our suffering to them in a spirit of solidarity.  In my  childhood, we would say that we were offering up some suffering for the help of people in Purgatory.  We were trying to lighten their burden.  These small sacrifices were a way to strengthen our souls, by trying to be of use to others.   Since then we have had many wise people talking about how good it is to be engaged in a good cause, in helping someone else every day when it comes up as a possibility,  even if it is a small act of kindness.  The Dalai Lama talks about how he sees himself as just a fellow human-being, in a sea of 7 billion of us human beings.  He does not see himself as special, but as connected to the common lot of all of us.  He also sees that it is good to accept what is, not to wish for something else, but to deal with what is in front of us.  

For us, we need to realize that the way to have a nice day is not to be unrealistic about what we can do in our day;  and to appreciate all the little good things, which is being conscious of abundance and grace.  

I have friends who write a Gratitude list every day.  I usually don’t write mine down, but I wake up thinking of all the things I am thankful for, including being able to wake up slowly and appreciate the light coming into my room. I love to be able to look at the sky and the trees, and in the night, the last few nights, the milky moonlight washing everything.  I am grateful I did not have to get up in the night and go do something hard.  I used to have to do that, and now I am able to stay in my bed.  I am grateful I don’t live in a war zone, and I don’t hear bombs falling.  Also, I don’t hear heavy traffic.  I feel peaceful and safe.   And I can breathe clean air here.  Then I am glad for my morning coffee, and the quiet house, and I notice the colors of things;  the light on the deck, the trees, the flowers.  We had a red rose bloom today.  The sunset colored rose that was a bud  yesterday is a bit overblown today, but still a wonderful apricot color.   I love the blue deck, the full green leaves on the plum tree.  I love the birds singing.  

Then I think of the people in my house and my life, and I am glad everyone is relatively healthy,  and that my troubled son is alive.  I am glad for my other son that he is a happy guy,  and is functional and strong in his life.  My husband is alive and his health is stable, and he can still go up and down stairs, and he does a lot to keep our home functioning.  He has been a little better lately, in his way of dealing with me, and I am grateful.   I keep going like that, in my prayers, being grateful for whatever I can remember from yesterday that I can be grateful for.    

I have known people who have little ways to keep a list of the things and people they pray for, like the 5 fingers on your hand:  the first is to pray for myself.  The second is for the members of the family.  The third is for friends and co-workers. The fourth is for the people who have a big impact on our lives-- our teachers and policemen and firemen and doctors and nurses.  And the fifth is for the people who have the power to protect our country and our world.  I try to pray for them because I think if the Dalai Lama can still pray for the Chinese, and Desmond Tutu could pray for the hardened hearts of the white racists in South Africa, I can pray for these important people who are misusing power, that they become enlightened human beings, and that they become good stewards of creation.

I do my morning prayers starting with the “Our Father” prayer, but I expand it to the Creator of the whole star-spangled universe, and all the swirling galaxies.   I consider  how “Thy will be done” has to do with energy, and mass, and light, and gravity and the tides, and the rainfall and how earth orbits the sun, and 13 billion years of creation.  As much as I am able to consider the weather, to beg for stability, no fire, no floods, and enough rainfall, and clean oceans;  and the need for all of us for air and water and food.  I think about what it means to be asking to be forgiven for trespasses, and for getting our daily needs met.  I try to ask again for more patience and forbearance, and also to help me not eat too much today, which is a chronic personal failing, a defect of character;  and for help  to get enough exercise. I specifically ask for help to be kinder and more patient to everyone who irritated me yesterday!   I ask for help to stay away from temptation which is going to mess me up.  I also ask for deliverance from evil.  Jesus did not promise anything about whether we would be delivered from evil, but he told us to specifically pray for that.  Sometimes I go on about some “evil” that I am worried about.  But also sometimes I realize I am probably ignoring the most worrisome thing, because it is right in front of my nose, and too familiar for me to recognize the danger.  And so I ask for help to recognize what I should be afraid of, and stay away from, and the power to do it.  

After the morning prayers, I start thinking about how to be more compassionate and less judgmental.  I know I am very opinionated and judgmental, which leads to RESENTMENT, and I keep asking for help to be easier on the people around me. Sometimes I think about my husband, who says “I let you live”;  and then laughs a mischievous laugh.  It is true, he lets me live;  and much of my resentment is that he doesn’t do more to help me, but at least he is not trying to make it HARDER for me.  I see this now.   This was a big part of the resentment problem, because I thought he was TRYING to make me angry and resentful, but it is just his normal obliviousness.  This is NOT a personal thing.  And sometimes he does something very nice, really kind, unexpectedly, and I have to really thank him for it.  Like yesterday,  he brought me a prescription I really needed, and he did it to help me feel less sick.  I am trying not to ignore all the positive things he does, and focus on finding fault with what he doesn’t do.  Focusing on the positives and the things for which I am truly grateful brings me to the JOY I want to be really living and breathing.  

Next is the focusing on compassion;  the way I feel about everyone else’s suffering, how hard it is to bear, how I wish I could take it away from them, too.  I pray for all the people on my prayer list;  all the people who are fragile and sick, and vulnerable, and whose problems only God can cure.  As I have gotten older, this list has gotten longer.  I know that I myself am too little to be able to do anything for so many people, but I ask that all people be free of suffering.  I give to God what I cannot solve.  I admit my powerlessness.  This gives me serenity.  I am only doing what is mine to do.  
To live in the deep recognition of Abundance is to be really aware of the grace that is poured out on my life;  all these blessings, and good things that happen, tucked into moments of the day— like a flower, or a person who smiled at me at the market, or a perfect avocado, or the way the dog wagged her tail when she saw me open the door;   and the kindness of strangers, the little miracles all day long.  The cleaning lady, for instance, at the hospital;  what a holy saint she is, as she comforts us with the daily hard things, how good her smile is, how kind she is, in the face of all the suffering all around her.  If I have pretty much gotten myself to forgive or get over the things I was negative toward, and tried to remember all the good things I was forgetting, I move toward that sense of abundance and gratitude, and I find it more easy to have compassion, and to feel joy.  I am trying to turn from resentment toward compassion, and from self-pity toward gratitude.  I am trying to ask that my short-comings and defects of character be replaced by acceptance, courage, serenity, wisdom and joy.  

And then if a bad thing happens, I can stand it better.  I try to focus on the compassion and the acceptance and the grace, and stay in the joy.  

And if all hell is breaking loose, I still try to stay inside the prayers for help and grace and acceptance and forgiveness.  And I pray for a sense of humor, which often is the last thing for which I remember to pray.